Do you ever have a passing feeling where something will remind you of a moment from your childhood, and as an adult, you’re able to realize just how sad that was in hindsight?

I most definitely do. My past consisted of being in the house all by myself most of the time, and man were things odd back then.

The next part might be triggering for some people, so you've been warned.

Aside from being in front of the computer most of the time back then, there was a period of time where I was into some weird sexual urges from poking myself with needles to using magnets like clamps. There's more but it's a little too personal to share here. It wasn't until I was 15 that I finally learned how to properly masturbate.

I also made some videos of myself back then, but it's sad to look back on now as I was a 10 year old who still had toys that 3 years old played with.

It's like my upbringing was trying to force me to not grow up just so I can be dependent of my Nmom. It's sad and also disgusting to look back on.

I'm glad those days are over, but I don't know if I'll ever find love or companionship. I'm afraid to at this point in my life.

How could I have been so ignorant?

/r/raisedbynarcissists Thread