Your mother has been projecting all her insecurities onto you. She feels guilty about something so she's taking that guilt and filling your head up like a jelly donut. It becomes a self-reinforcing pattern of behavior. You believe you're inherently stupid, so you don't bother nurturing your intelligence. You don't trust yourself so you avoid new experiences. When you avoid new experiences, you can't grow as a person. That causes your personality to stagnate, which reinforces your belief in being stupid.
You are not stupid.
It will take some time to unlearn how you've been trained to think but growth is possible. Everyone deals with this in one way or another. It's the human condition. Everyone is carrying around immense weight on their shoulders and pretending their backs don't hurt.
I have a feeling that you're the kind of person who dislikes being patronized by sugar coated flowery language, so I'm going to tell you straight up. If you have a soft heart just stop reading now.
Most people are more scared of life than they are of death. Terrified of a brief, empty life that was lived for no good reason. You are not isolated in your suffering. Life is the most difficult thing any of us will ever do, but it is punctuated by moments that make all the toil worth it. You can't have one without the other. All the pain we go through is what allows us to appreciate the good times.
Life is completely absurd. It's like we all woke up totally hungover with no memories to find we're on this unstoppable train headed straight for an immovable object.
So why does our species carry on? Absolute, paralyzing fear is a perfectly rational reaction to any animal aware enough to notice the predatory nature of the universe it inhabits.
Because this fear will not help you. Fear is only useful in alerting you to a danger you can avoid. But the universe will crush you no matter what, so what's left to be scared of?
After all, the monster is lurking under your bed. The horrifying knowledge that you and everyone you love will eventually be evaporated by time. None of us make it out alive. But so what? All the more reason to celebrate right now before all hell breaks lose. What have you got to lose? Don't you want to find out where this strange torpedo is headed? And if you're lucky, at least you'll have a reason to smile before the universe devours you.
Do not go gentle into that good night Rage , rage against the dying of the light
You really might as well stay on this crazy train. Learn to love being a part of this wacky freakshow. It's the ride of a lifetime.