Everyone has that one story involving feces - what's yours?

I have more poop stories than I'd like to admit, but these are the two that stand out the most:

  1. When I was 10 years old I found out I was lactose intolerant. I had a milk before school ended, and when my mom came to pick me up, I started feeling awful. I was clinging my seat, sweating, squirming, doing everything within my power to not shit. We had managed to hit every single red light, turning this usually 8 minute drive into an 18 minute drive. I know this because I was counting every. damn. minute. Finally, we pull up into the driveway, and I am so relieved, because I know I will have that sweet release in a matter of seconds. Then...The garage refused to open. I run out of the car, to the front door, screaming at my mom to hurry the fuck up or I am going to shit my fucking pants. She did not hurry the fuck up. She took her time, and as soon as she inserted the key into the key hole, I did indeed, shit my fucking pants.

  2. Ok, this one...this one is really bad. First year of college I lived in some shitty 100 year old house with a 50 year old lady and her boyfriend. Rent was cheap, and they let me keep my dog. We had one restroom, and it was the kind that had two entrances. One from my room, one from theirs. And there were no locks because they didn't feel like fixing them. I lived in constant fear of someone walking in on me while I was pooping. And it happened, several times...but this is not even the worst part. Like I said before, this house was very old, and had lived through a massive earthquake that left a big crack in the middle of the house and messed with a lot of the piping. Our toilet would go out for about a week, every 2 or 3 months. During these times we were not allowed to use the toilet, except to pee if we really had to go, because her boyfriend could just drain it from out side. Well, one night I woke up with the urge to poop. I was half asleep, and completely forgot that the toilet was out, so I pooped in the toilet. My poop hit the water, and the splash hit my bum which woke me right up and I thought "shit". This was one mistake I could not flush down the toilet. The only way to fix this problem, was for them to go onto the out side of the house and turn the valve that would allow the water and my shit to drain onto the side of the house. I decided I did not like the idea of having to explain to them that I pooped in there toilet and that they would have to manually drain my shit onto the side of the house, so I took matters into my own hand. Literally. I grabbed a doggy bag from my room, because I am not a complete savage, and attempted to dig my own shit out of the water bowl. As I am grabbing my shit, most of it dissipates and turns the water brown and makes it look like diarrhea. So I grab what I can into the bag, and proceed to use a cup to scoop the rest and poor it down the shower drain (which was connected to a different pipe line). As I am doing this, my roommates boyfriend knocks on the bathroom, probably because he noticed I'd been in there a while, and asks what I am doing. I hesitate to reply as I try to come up with an answer, and he just opens the door to the bathroom. One hand is holding a doggy bag filled with my own feces, the is other pouring my feces down their shower drain. I told him my dog had shit in my room and I mistakenly put it in the toilet, and tried to correct the problem by digging it out and pouring it into the shower, which at least sounds better than it being my own shit... but he knew. I know he knew.

God dammit, I am an idiot and a horrible person.

/r/AskReddit Thread