When I was a child my father suffered an acquired traumatic brain injury. Doctors at the time, unsure of the cause, believed it to be a virus. So to save his life they removed the infected parts of his brain (most of his frontal and temporal lobes). I was 9. A year and a half later my cousin (we're both guys) forced me to jack off, which I had never done before nor knew about. I grew up going to Christian schools that were how Christians should be. But my life basically spiraled out of control after that.
I started getting more into gaming. I stopped socializing as openly. I got bullied a lot and was told by everyone "ignore it and it will go away." DO NOT EVER GIVE SOMEONE THAT ADVICE. I couldn't, for years, figure out what I had done wrong to so many people. I've been severely depressed since I was 13 cause of this shit. Anyway, moving along trying to keep this all as condensed as possible. I had my first date, ever. A girl asked me out to the movies with her. I said sure all excited, she wasn't a looker but I didn't care, she looked at me. Yknow? We went to the movie and it was nice and all so I tried arranging a second date and I found out her friends bet her she couldn't get a date with me for $25. So that was that.
High school, I don't remember freshman year. Sophomore year I met my first love who happened to be my friends younger sister. I will love her eternally, but I don't think I will ever see her again. I ruined our relationship repeatedly because of my emotional issues. Then we moved on and tried being just friends. We stayed best friends throughout everything, saw each other every day, everything was nice. Before she left for college she and I were out on a walk and she said, "You know, I kinda envy your dad. He can't remember anything and that's gotta be nice. I wish I couldn't remember any of this so I could just move on." And she looked at me like I was weird for reacting. High school ended with me choking out a bully because I was tired of his shit. My teacher turned a blind eye and this jackass was 3 times my size. The whole class said nothing, and I never had bully troubles again.
Dropped out of college cause my dad got worse, worked a lot, bought my first car at 19. I only had it a year before everything in it died. Fucking lemon. But I loved it ♡. Still don't have a replacement, so I walk or bike everywhere but I'm a mile away in nowhere. My mom deals with my dad through rampant alcoholism, so that caused a lot of tension. Left home and traveled the country for a year. Came back when I couldn't stay away any longer. Been two years since I came back and I got laid off in december, have no friends my own age who aren't married or with kids, I've been trying my hardest to get a job as well as back into school to at least get a degree, no luck. I keep hitting wall after wall, hurtle after hurtle.
I go to bed every night telling myself it's just like a video game. Things are so hard because I'm going in the right direction. But, I am slowly losing the strength to keep getting up and going out there. Meanwhile my younger brother is the fucking man and has everything going for him in life cause he watched all of my failures and used it in combination with his own drive. I couldn't be more proud of the kid. And in a lot of ways I feel like I'm partially his father (responsibility wise).
I don't care if life never gets easier. I don't care if I always have a tougher time than some people do. I know others always have it worse. I just wanna be able to be independent, self sufficient, and have nice things. And at least one dog. So, here's to the future.
I'm gonna try my best not to delete this comment because it's really upsetting me. I never talk about this stuff. And no actually knows about some of it.