I've only recently been able to come to terms with calling it self harm but anyways - I self harm in a manner that is difficult to find adequate counseling for.
I have a stable life. Im 25, I'm not struggling financially, I have a good job with good benefits, I'm in school with a reasonable workload, I've been in a relationship for some years, I have a solid immediate family and a healthy dog named Molly.
But, there are days when my brain won't work in the ways I want or need it to. I'll become so engrossed in these destructive loops and my rationality seems to flip off like a switch and I spiral downwards before landing as a train wreck of the person I was the day before and often, I barbarically take aim at my head.
I used to lash out at others and I'm not proud of that, but looking backwards in time I can see that I have always had these explosive tendencies that never really resulted in any extensive consequences. It simmered as I grew up and just in the past few years has this pattern resurfaced, but now it seems that this angst is directed inwards. It wasn't an escalation, mind you. I've never cut myself, pinched myself, ate too much or too little, whatever. It went from zero to 100 and I bash at my head until I stop bashing at my head. There isn't really a deescalation process, I just stop sooner or later.
I have a permanent depression on the top of my skull now. It's basically right where you'd expect one to be if you were right handed and you hit your head over and over and over again in the same spot. I told the staff in the ER that I bopped it cleaning my crawl space (the dog barked and startled me, causing me to pop upwards, thus banging it on the low ceiling wedge that definitely exists in my home). It's sort of neat because I can balance an egg in it.
I'm afraid that I will do severe damage someday and I am also quite embarrassed. Thus why it is a battle I am fighting behind closed doors. Although if anyone else has experienced something similar, I am super open to whatever aid that was found to be helpful in softening the blow, so to speak.