They say "everyone's fighting a battle you don't know about." What's yours?

Fuck man, this hits so hard. I've been trying for so long to find the words to describe the way I feel to my girlfriend who doesn't quite understand. I'm probably one of the most outgoing, friendly, funny, and confident dude anyone meets. But, really it's only because I'm trying so hard just to feel worth something to someone. People go home every day and think about other shit, shit they need to do, shit they haven't done. Maybe they spend a little time thinking about their daily interactions. But, for me, almost every fucking second is constant recall of what I did wrong in a conversation. What the hell I said, or did, in an interaction with a person to cause them to give me the negative looking reaction they gave me. Then, I think about what I could do better... I have to make them laugh. I have to make them smile... I have to make them enjoy my company... I have to make them like me. I need them to like me...

So, instead of doing my homework, random house duties, or playing video games, I sit there in my lonely office pondering on potential future conversations. From every, potential, brief "hello," to every extended interaction; my mind races to every possible joke I could make, every possible subject I could bring up, every possible fucking situation. It's just an engine that just keeps fucking go, it never stops...

It doesn't help also that I have a really great memory, so sometimes if I planned an interaction on one day, expecting to see that person the next day, but for some reason I don't, then my brain won't let that shit go, not until I finally see the person and attempt what I plotted out. And, do you have any fucking idea how fucking weird it is to tell someone, "Hey, I forgot to tell you this last time I saw you, but I really liked that teal blue Childish Gambino shirt, the one with the small hole near your right hip, that looked like you snagged the shirt on something, you know? The one you were wearing last time I saw you!" Oh, you mean 3 fucking months ago?! And, turns out it wasn't even their fucking shirt, so for you to remember that, when they don't, is creepy with 7 sides of fucking creepy.

But, it's not even that. I'm not trying to be creepy. I just want to fucking talk to people, I just want to make people fucking laugh, I just want to make people fucking smile, I just want to be liked... I just want to be something, to someone, at any given time. And, the days I love the most are my short class days, where the social interaction is minimal, so I'm way less likely to fuck up a conversation. Then, if all goes well, and I actually felt like all of my socializing went exactly perfect, then I will have a good day. Lately though, I've just been going to one class out of three on any given day, because by the end I'm usually happier than I would be attending all my classes. And, it's weird, because I'd rather be happy and force myself to learn the shit without a professor, (which is 100x harder and doesn't always work out,) then I would be trying to motivate myself out of those thoughts to get what little work I have done. Shit sucks man.

TL;DR I accidentally went on a little rant about my similar feelings here. I'm glad I saw this, because I finally have words for how I feel. Since no one can ever understand that this super confident, funny, friendly, outgoing, and "down for anything" kind of dude could actually have almost no confidence/self esteem deep down...

/r/AskReddit Thread Parent