Thank you so much for taking the time to comment. I honestly appreciate it.

I am under a lot of pressure, I guess. Admittedly, a lot of it, I put on myself. Expectations of what I feel like I should be and all that I'm not. I feel completely abnormal and would love more than anything to just feel like I belong somewhere.

But there are those around me who don't help the situation any. Anything I try to do, I'm doing it wrong and so I fail. And instead of trying to frame it in a helpful way, I'm just looked at like a loser piece of shit and told that I did it wrong.

That's absolutely right, about my goals and dreams. When I was younger, I loved to read and write. I wrote all the time, especially in high school and college. I haven't written since then, almost ten years ago. I just fell out of the habit. I know that all it takes is sitting down with pen to paper or fingers to keyboard, but I have this block.

My biggest problem is how I feel about myself. Flat out, I hate myself and everything about me. I've been trying lately to change my views on myself, to learn to love myself and accept me for who I am. But it's so difficult. All I can see is what's wrong with me. And if I manage to do something right, it's still not good enough for me. I'm a perfectionist, holding myself to these ridiculous standards and treating myself in a way no one should. I'm my own worst enemy.

I do feel like I'm out of options. I'm hinging a lot on this job, as it's an amazing opportunity that will help facilitate a lot of my goals being reached. If this doesn't happen, then I don't know what to do. I do currently have a job, and a pretty cushy one at that. I will never deny that I'm lucky in a lot of ways, at least to someone on the outside. I have lot to be thankful for, and I am, truly. My family is extremely close and I know that if something happened where I needed their help, they'd be there. It's happened before.

My mom is the reason I haven't done it yet, in all honesty. It breaks my heart to think about destroying her like that. I'd be taking away her firstborn, her only daughter, her best friend. I know she hates to see me feel so bad. She's said before I scare her. I've called her every single time things have gotten really, really bad and I felt like I could do something. She always comes over, even if I don't want her to. I never want to hurt her. She's so amazing and I love her so much. She's always in my mind when I'm feeling especially low like this.

It's been a pretty rough week. Between this job thing, crappy changes happening at my current job, feeling lonely all the time, and fights with a friend who I can't seem to get along with lately, I'm tired. It's not just this week that's brought me here, though. It's a lifetime of the same. I don't know what to do anymore. Sleeping sounds like a great option.