Post copied here to make it readable without scrolling every line:
I just read this on the rapecounseling subreddit which I won't link to for obvious reasons. It can be entertaining sometimes. I figured you guys would get a kick out of this. The guy's lack of logic and acceptance of his wife's behavior is something to behold. It's a wall of text so beware.
Background: Wife, age 20 at the time, lost her virginity at a college party. She went with a friend she barely knew who left early. My future wife was uncomfortable, drank too much and passed out. She woke up to some guy raping her. She fled home, went to work the next morning. She decided she wasn’t raped, and that she must have somehow wanted it or provoked it. She spent the next year going to parties and bars where she unknowingly suffered from multiple PTSD triggers and got blackout drunk most of those nights. She remembers some of the guys—all strangers—who took her to their cars or apartments and had intercourse with her. Most were one night stands. She never enjoyed it. Never planned to hook up. She was self-destructive and told herself she was in control, even as she was repeating the trauma. She never told her friends or family about these guys. Never bragged/mentioned the sex to friends. Always felt a sense of guilt and shame and worthlessness afterwards. Some mornings in college she woke up in bed with a vague memory of intercourse, but no memory of driving home. She changed her hair color, pulled out her hair, became bulimic and so on.
Eventually she stopped going out, accepting she had been raped—but only the first time. She dated one guy on and off for a year. She didn’t enjoy the (rare) sex and treated him horribly. Finally she left the country altogether and spent two years in the Ivory Coast as a Peace Corps volunteer. She had one brief fling with an American she does not regret, then suffered an attempted rape in her village by a local governor. Reeling from panic attacks and PTSD, she self-medicated with Valium, alcohol and pot. She avoided her village and began staying in the Peace Corps compound in the Abidjan. A male Peace Corp volunteer there befriended her in her time of need, plied her with drugs and alcohol, and raped her multiple times. Suicidal and besieged with health problems, she was sent back to a hospital in the U.S. where she met me. Mental health doctors in her mental ward sent her to AA and NA to get her drug and alcohol abuse in check. Never asked her about rape.
We met in the hospital, where we spent a few weeks talking and later started dating. She told me about her first rape, I told her I was molested as a boy. (The older kid, now grown, killed himself in 2013. When I tell my wife I am going to piss on his grave, she says that is not helpful.) On her first visit to my apartment, I dumped all of my beer down the sink to show my support. I provided her first orgasm, and she said sex with me was a revelation. I didn’t ask about previous partners, but she seemed very inexperienced. She has never been triggered while having sex with me. We got married when she was 26.
Three years ago in 2012, after I questioned an offhand remark about kissing strangers, she confessed she had made out with some guys 8-10 years earlier at bars while dancing or listening to music. She did not know why. On one night that haunted her in particular, she had been left alone by her friends on a New Orleans girls’ trip, and got unusually drunk and spent 1-2 hours making out with a random guy who started kissing her. (She never initiated.) I had noticed she drank more when she was not with me, so I actually encouraged her to go out alone. After her confession in 2011, which also included telling me for the first time about her one night stands in college, I read up on rape and PTSD and realized she was terrified to be around strange men and alcohol, especially when she was left alone. The only time she felt safe was with me and/or her brothers. She was shocked when I pointed out the Peace Corps guy had raped her, and that probably all of those one night stands counted as rape. She had no thoughts of cheating on me, and did not know why she had kissed these random guys in our marriage. She did not like any of it. I was actually fine with some mild kissing, as long as she told me, but she suppressed this stuff for years because she thought of herself as a worthless whore, and was ashamed and guilty. She couldn’t understand why she couldn’t control her drinking, had not wanted any of these things to happen before, during, or afterwards.
There were a few instances from our 20 years together that haunted me. One night in 2002 she came home after 4 a.m. after “talking” with her supervisor in his truck after a night of heavy drinking. (Her female coworkers had left, leaving my wife alone with her supervisor.) Another night in 2011 she was playing pool with a female coworker and some men from out of town. She called me and said she was on her way home at 10 p.m., but never arrived. Instead she called me in a panic at 7 a.m. from a hotel with no memory of the time between her phone call and waking up. She said she was fully dressed on a bed, and was pretty sure she didn’t have sex. I suspected her drink had been spiked, but she talked me out of calling the police or going to the hospital. Since 2011 I have been eaten alive by questions and doubts. Last night I gave her a letter that said I understood she had severe PTSD and told her that not knowing what happened on those two nights in particular was killing me. I said I had received an anonymous letter confirming the affair with her supervisor. Long story short, amid much shouting and crying and an attempted suicide on my part, she revealed she had intercourse twice with her supervisor in 2002 after they were alone and he manipulated her, plied her with alcohol and an unspoken threat to her job security both times. (She was our sole income provider and we were broke at the time.) They never talked or met otherwise, except for work duties—normally he works/lives in another city. He has apparently preyed on many women employees, although it’s against company policy. She was taking Paxil at the time, and rarely drank except for these PTSD binges. Paxil intensifies the effect of the alcohol, as it did with a one night stand I had never even suspected with a stranger in 2001: once again, her female friend left her alone, and she drank more and left with a random guy who drove her to an apartment and had intercourse with her with a condom. She also said that when she woke up in the hotel in 2011, she was only partially dressed, not fully dressed. She assumes they had intercourse, but has no memory between calling me at 10p.m. and waking up in the hotel. There was no semen inside her, so she assumed a condom was used. (I asked her to check when she got home that morning in 2011.) I was stunned, angry, sad, and overwhelmed. Intercourse with three guys, four times, during our marriage. Suspecting it was bad, knowing it was much worse. She only admitted this because of the anonymous letter, which I had made up. We stayed up crying and talking until 5 a.m., and I eventually realized these were all rapes. Given the Paxil and the amount of alcohol consumed, the PTSD, and the manipulation, there was no way she could have consented. She understands this, logically, but still blames herself on an emotional level. She did not enjoy the intercourse, the guys were all predatory and random, except for her boss, and she never told anyone. About the intercourse itself, when she remembers it, she says she kind of dissociated and remembers just wanting it to be over so she could leave. From her description I think she was a kind of numb starfish. I believe she has told me everything and is not lying about any of this. After the 2011 incident, I told her she was not “allowed” to go out drinking without me, for which she is grateful. The fact I encouraged her before is something I have to live with.