Examples of boundary setting when making new friends ❤️

I don't respond to texts until I am comfortable/able (versus answering at work or in the middle of obligations). I change the subject when I feel uncomfortable and I make sure that discussions where trauma is disclosed involve the speaker checking in on my wellbeing (no wordvomits or dumping to charge up). If they don't check in on me or overshare and we've only met a couple of times, I make sure to check in on how I'm feeling after the hangout. There have been a few people I've met who seem like wonderful and fun individuals but they overshared emotional issues very early on and didn't make an effort to find safe common ground or subjects, and I realized I was anxious around them. These friends I will see if they are in groups with people I'm comfortable with but otherwise I avoid one on one time. I give myself permission to say "I'll have to check my schedule first" for plans vs feel prompted. I also don't do favors involving money, car rides, or things that require me to adjust my schedule in the first couple months of friendship. I've noticed I tend to attract a lot of people in crisis or early selfwork, so I need to make sure they are self sufficient and not processing something/prone to becoming dependent on me really quickly.

I also check in to see how comfortable I am saying "no". If I feel like I can't say 'no', more than I usually feel uneasy, then that person gets moved onto the conditional/group friend list.

If they respond poorly to subject changes ,to denials of favors, to me seeming uneasy, if they are overly anxious themselves and can't seem to hold back traumadumping/oversharing, my response is either to say something like "hey I know it wasn't intentional but I felt really uncomfortable when XYZ" and then let that sit. I don't have to apologize for saying that, I need to be able to share my honest feelings and evaluate how they respond to that.

Remember that proximity and trust are built over time, and it's okay to have 'conditional/situational' friends (like "friend that is okay to get coffee with for 20 minutes but nothing else" or "friend who I go clothes shopping with but wouldn't bring to church").

/r/Codependency Thread