Excuse me you dropped your baby!

Thanks. Yeah, not sure why I shared that on here. Guess I was just kind of blown away at the memory. I don't like to remember, let alone talk about my childhood. But, eh, the beauty of being anonymous on reddit, I guess. Unfortunately, that was one incident of a childhood of pretty severe abuse, neglect and traumas.

We likely share a similar political compass. I grew up in the states -- in Montana -- which always settled wrong around me. The world just hurt from about the day I was born until... well, I guess it still does, but I manage it now. I ended up leaving school, and home, at 13. Started uni at 15. After several decades of questionable life choices, lots of drama (which I avoid at all costs these days), and enough therapy to finally realize that all therapy is pretty dangerous, I started to put myself back together. My life had left me in pieces, really... I was broken. It just became a matter of taking the responsibility and control back, and deciding to never be a victim again. So, I did.

Still haven't wrapped my brain around the madness of this world, but have somehow found a livable level of complacency for the things I can't control... I think the most pivotal moment in my life, was when I finally removed myself from the dysfunction of my family, and America. Don't get me wrong, I love my family (they've gotten better over the years) and I love the states (sadly, they've gotten worse). I do love America, but it just wasn't a safe place for me. Ever. I moved about a million miles away from where I grew up, putting a very long swim between me and my past. I quit therapy forever, and instead took several years alone, and away from the world, for deep self reflection with the full intention of evolving and freeing myself from my past.

When I was finally close to whole again, and mostly high-functioning in the world, I longed so much for a child. I've always had so much love, and it was so often taken for granted or manipulated. I was terrified to bring a child into this world for most of my life. When I finally came to a place of peace, and let go of the illusion I could control or change the world around, I allowed myself to exist in the little things of beauty. Seeing the goodness in the world, no matter how quietly it might arrive, has allowed me to find happiness. I longed to raise my child polar opposite of how my parents raised me (I opted for attachment parenting, and I've been a full time mother to her -- putting her first always). Conceiving, carrying, birthing and nurturing life in this world has really brought me to the other side of my own tragic childhood -- it now seems like several lifetimes ago. My child is the light of my world every day. I never realized the full extent of horror at how much my family hurt me, until I had my own little girl so fragile and innocent in the world, and it was my full responsibility to protect and nurture her with my everything. I simply can not wrap my mind around the disconnect of anyone harming a child, be it direct abuse, or indirect neglect. She's my world, and I've done right by her. End of the day, that brings me to tomorrow a contented person.

We don't live in our past unless we choose to. I prefer to live in the now, and build for the future, rather than let the past exert any control over either. I suppose in some way I've approached being her mother every day with the mind of giving her the unconditionally safe, secure, and loving life I would have liked to have had. She has healed me as much as I've lived for her.

I've no idea why I've shared any of this, and I'll likely delete it in about ten minutes when it feels all too naked, but I guess it was all a bit cathartic on a chilly Thursday morning. Anchors me back to a place of gratitude for all the beauty in the life I can now make for my daughter and myself. I'm really endlessly blessed to be in the reality I find myself in now, and to be able to give her the reality she finds herself in. I think maybe I'm sharing, because somebody might read it, and relate, and know that they are not alone. And, again, anonymity. Something to be said for that.

/r/WTF Thread Parent Link - gfycat.com