Thank you very much for this reply.
You made me thinking and looking back all these things ive done and decisions ive made to get where i am have all been ones ive worked hard to do and made sense even if looking back now i wish i did something different.
I can accept past decisions but still need to blame myself for everything. because it is no one elses fault. The way I see it, if I were smarter, I could do anything I want in this 1st world country, the only restriction is myself. So where I am at is only my fault because any smart person in my shoes could get out.
Regarding drinking. I honestly dont drink that much, im not addicted. The problem is i drink to cope (actually makes things worse) and if I drink with others, i drink until i have no memory. So im not an alcoholic but definitely abuse it. not sure if that means i need to quit completely.