Existentialism in therapy. A short rant.

(Part 2)

I think most of all, you should continue your efforts in therapy. What you have written, that eventually humanity dies, is self-hatred, and as above, it's this wheel of depression, anxiety, and ennui. I think you have been demoralized by external forces, but largely you've given into the whirlwind in your head. This is what therapy is for, and which it can help you appreciate ways to manage. You basically have to tell that shitbird voice in your head to pipe down, let you experience a world unfettered, and find a purpose. It's hard to find a purpose when there is an internal dialogue that screams "HEY FUCK YOU IT'S ALL SHIT GIVE UP NOW." That's the same as your internal monologue screaming "YOU'RE A FAILURE AND YOU FORGOT TO PUT ON DEODORANT THIS MORNING, LOSER." You have to shut that shit down. There is a difference between life not having a set meaning and meaning meaningless. It's fucking hard to be an adult. It's fucking hard to work on yourself. It's fucking hard to find meaning. But if you want meaning you cannot start out by saying "it's meaningless." Life being meaningless and life having no specific meaning are two different things. Meaninglessness is pointlessness, and you seem to have latched on to this very hard. You are trying to write in a zero where it's instead a fill-in-the-blank. This is pretty heady, but I hope in time you can shift your thinking towards appreciating a blank versus a zero. This does not have to be a zero. Existentialism insists life has no set meaning, and this gives us the freedom to try to be whatever the fuck we want to be. You are trying to give up without understanding the rules of the game first. The game is complicated.

This is not me advocating for looking on the bright side, because I basically never do that unless I am quoting Monty Python's song about same to be completely obnoxious. I am a miserable sad sack most days. My life has not turned out how I'd like it to go despite my best efforts, and people are pretty good in the real world at making u/pictureofporitrin feel like shit. I probably open myself up to it, but also people are dicks. That said, I've figured out where I'd like to go, what I'd like to do, and the kind of person I want to be. I give myself meaning. My life is far from the milestones I'd like to have in the rearview, but it's not a written book. I do not see meaning for me as a zero. I utilize that blank line and fill things in. It's not a matter of having some asinine and wistful hope the future just magically gets better. You actually have to take steps to try to bring about the life you want. You know what will really fuck with your head though? "It is possible to commit no mistakes and still lose. That is not a weakness, that is life.". Literally Star Trek gets it.

You can't predict the fucking future, but that does not mean "it is all a meaningless void of suck and we shouldn't try." It's all completely unwritten. Figure out what makes sense to you for you in your life. Then do those things. This is a hard process, but you should attempt it so you can grow, and so you can find meaning for you.

You do not have to be "happy." That's a hellacious idea, and I don't think most people you've ever met or ever will meet actually understand what that really means for them. Nobody has a milemarker for it. You know what it was like to have cake when you were five? That was not happiness, because happiness is a definition that mutates as you get older. Ever seen Dogma? Your cup gets harder to fill as you get older not only in terms of spirituality (I literally broke mine on purpose, but antitheism gives way to atheism as you begin to appreciate people in a broader way and how incomplete a singular philosophy can be) but it terms of how you can feel fulfilled. Most of us don't need to feel important. Lots of us want to. What we need though is to feel useful. Like we're contributing. I think in your station now you feel powerless to do this. This is a trick of processing, self-reflection, and appreciating your limited place in a universe of unfathomable scale on a planet about where we are that you've managed to exist on, through no fault or choosing of your own. Once you get over the vastness of the universe (hint: you won't, so you have to smirk and go "well, I'm here, so I might as well figure out which foods taste good," because what the fuck else are you going to do, right?) and the size of the planet with 7 billion (so fucking many) people on it, you have to appreciate that some of those people are jerks. Not all of them. Some of them. But most people are not.

These are steps you take towards being content in your station, towards things making sense for you where you are. You do not have to have kids if you don't want to. If your girlfriend does, you two are going to come to an impasse. If you two decide to have kids, but you just don't want to be a parent, you're not going to be happy, or you might be. But maybe that scenario leaves you unhappier, makes you an absentee parent, and ultimately does add to the misery of the world in some way. Really though, this is you doing things that you would never be content with, predictably leading you down a path you have a decent chance of not being terribly pleased walking. So, don't have kids.

It is also possible you might see a kid at birth and lose your mind wide-eyed over what an incredible thing you've done, and end up raising a kid who will have saved you from yourself because you'll be inspired to be a better person, and who will in turn have a positive impact on the world around him or her. Or that same kid could get hit by a falling satellite. Or you could.

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