explain the harry potter franchise like I am Jesus.

It's about this kid who's parents are dead, so he lives with his aunt and uncle. Now those two, they're really shitty, like, your Dad's got them on an early-bird registration for the first train to Hell as soon as they show up. They spoil their own kid worse than a Roman Emperor, and toss poor Harry under the stairs.

So Harry finds out he's a wizard, a magician. Not the kinds that ole Pappy Moses fought with in Egypt, nah-those guys moved to Brooklyn and Russia. This is in England, see, and these people live in some hide-away land you can only get to through a spinning wall or on a train. Unless you're an owl. No one's ever been able to tell me how magic trains vanish into thin air or these owls just flitter back and forth, but hey, you Xeroxed your face into a cloth so I guess anything's possible.

So ANYWAY. Harry keeps getting these owls visiting him, leaving letters, and the Shits try to hide him, but a giant shows up and tells him the truth. Kinda like Gabriel and your mum- "Yer a mother of Christ, Mary", or something like that. So he gets whisked away to magic-land and put up in a school for a bunch of other new wizards. Some of the teachers? Nice. Some, stricter than the Nuns. And some are just evil. So they fight, Harry battles Voldemort (and honestly, I don't know what you or your Dad see in Satan...this guy did a hell of a lot better attracting his followers than that old snake ever did.) They battle, a giant snake dies (Voldy's, not Satan's), Harry pulls one of your old tricks (a lot faster than you did I might add), kills Voldy and has a nice life.

Oh yeah, and the Headmaster's gay. What, you don't care? Funny, someone said you did....

/r/explainlikeIAmA Thread