Original Post by u/BluesTenorSax
INT. MALORY'S OFFICE. MALORY, STERLING, LANA, CYRIL, RAY, PAM, CHERYL, and KRIEGER are gathered around.
STERLING: Mother, what is so goddamn important that you had to call us in on a Sunday!?
MALORY: Me? What is so goddamn important that you prioritize it over your job, mister?
STERLING: I ... wait, is that a real question?
MALORY: I don't want to be here any more than you do. Ron and I were supposed to attend a charity benefit at the Met.
LANA: What charity?
MALORY: Oh who knows, they're all the same. But Trudy Beekman...
EVERYONE sighs. They've all heard this story before.
PAM: Why is it always about Trudy Beekman? Just because that old bag does something doesn't mean you have to one-up her.
CHERYL: Yeah, if Trudy Beekman jumped off of a bridge, would you?
MALORY: (Coldly) No, I'd just watch her fall into the icy depth with a coy smile.
EVERYONE gasps. The room is taken aback
RAY: Jesus Christ!
STERLING: I know, right? And you guys wonder why I have trust issues. Maybe because I was breastfed by Jordan Graham.
A beat of silence. Nobody understands the reference.
STERLING: Really? Am I the only one who reads the paper?
LANA: Anyway, mind telling us why we're here?
MALORY: Yes.
She cues up their mission on the large TV screen behind her.
MALORY: This is Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi. He is the supreme leader of ISIS.
CHERYL: Is that your boss?
MALORY: What?
PAM: I always thought you ran the show around here.
RAY: She does, but the vodka runs her.
MALORY: Shut up. No, ISIS is a militant Islamic faction...
STERLING: Wait, are we Muslim? Because this place is, like, 80% booze and sodomy.
PAM: And pork.
KRIEGER: Aww, Pigley...
MALORY: It's a different ISIS!
CYRIL: Yeah, guys. Like how PDA can mean "Personal Digital Assistant" or "Public Display of Affection."
STERLING: Or in your case, "Please Die, Asswipe."
LANA: Jesus...
STERLING: You're right. Mean enough, but not clever. Come back to me. I'll totally have one.
MALORY: Good God. We are ISIS, the spy agency, and they are ISIS, an exceedingly violent group fighting to create an Islamist state in the middle east. There's a bounty on al-Baghdadi and I'm collecting it.
RAY: Sooooo, you're not even gonna pretend that you'll share it with us for going on a suicide mission to Iraq?
MALORY: Why, so you can spend it all on club drugs and a bunch of hairless Puerto Rican men?
RAY: Hey! ...That actually sounds pretty fantastic.
PAM: Yeah it does.
MALORY: Ugh. Just stop talking. Everyone. I need you all to find a way to take down ISIS.
CYRIL: I think your son's drinking has been doing that for years.
STERLING: And I've already shot Brett like ten times. What more can I do?
MALORY: No! Dammit! Not us! Them!
PAM: Are we USIS and they're THEMSIS?
KRIEGER: No, I think they're ISIS too.
CHERYL: The call is coming from inside the house!
MALORY: What is with you people? Do you need flash cards or something!?
STERLING: Proud Dick Accepter!
EVERYONE turns to him. He looks at Cyril.
STERLING: Because you're gay. And you proudly accept dicks with your body ... you dick.
OPENING CREDITS