Scarlet: So, we arrived at this old house and had dinner. Then the butler told us his boss was blackmailing us, and Mrs. Peacock killed a bunch of people.
Peacock: Oh, shut up, Scarlet. YOU killed the others, cleaning up your tidy blackmail scheme.
Mustard: I'm important!
Plum: Are you sure anyone was actually murdered? It's remarkably difficult to determine if a person is dead. I'm a doctor, you know. Well, I used to be, but women are pretty, and sometimes I get carried away, flirting and, maybe other things.
Peacock: You never flirted with me...
White: God, can I go home now? We've been here long enough I should have married one of you.
(The men eye each other and everyone steps backwards at once, except Green)
Green: oh... I... The butler did it!
Wadsworth: Butlers cannot marry guests, I'm afraid.
Mustard: At least we all know that... Wait... Who killed all those people?
White and Scarlet lock eyes and give a knowing grimace.
Wadsworth: You did, you all did. You did them in, One by one.
Green: I didn't do anyone!
Peacock: Oh, we know, sweetheart. We know.
Wadsworth: The cook was killed by--
Mustard: Poor reviews in Zagat!
White: What is wrong with you?
Mustard: Scarlet makes jokes!
Scarlet: But mine are clever. And funny.
Wadsworth: Oh this is just the worst. Didn't someone call J Edgar Hoover?
Green: He called for me. I'm FBI, you see. Undercover.
(Everyone bursts into laughter)
White: That's as improbable as Peacock being the mastermind.
Peacock: Thank you. ... Wait. What?
Mustard: How many chandeliers did you guys break?
White: Oh, 4, or 5. Who was counting? It hardly matters after the first few.
Plum: We ate monkey brains!
Mustard: Oh, yeah! And Red Herring!
Wadsworth (completely frazzled): Oh god just shoot me now.
(Green shoots Wadsworth)
Wadsworth: Well, I'll be damned.
Mustard: Mrs. Peacock is a man!?