Okay now that I have expressed myself, maybe I should try giving advice to myself like an outsider, lol. Talk as the me that wants the best for me. I know I'm about to look like a giant dork but that's okay, it's the internet, no one can see me right?!:
Okay unsunshine. Maybe you just need to not see him. Just don't see him. You will be fine. Just...chill. I think you should probably try doing more fun things like you have wanted to. You should definitely go surfing more because you enjoy doing that. Also make yourself tea because tea rules, and watch parks n recreation. In general, just be your own best friend! Make more friends. just be happy. stop ruminating. you are the most anxious person ever and probably just need to calm down. You get wound up because you have a million and a half triggers and always think the world is ending. No. Even though your intuition might be right that something is wrong, It's probably wise not to focus on it, and focus on what you CAN do. Don't think about the past, or the future. Do you want to go over? then go. Do you want to stay? then stay.
Yes it sucks that he is not talking to you or trying, that's pretty awkward because that's kind of what boyfriends are supposed to do, but, whatever. He's pretty stupid sometimes but he does have good qualities, even though you have trust issues with him that you wish could be solved but they won't be solved by hovering him and all that. Maybe it will all go downhill. Maybe it won't. at the end of the day, you'll be better off for focusing on yourself. Just focus on yourself! boyfriend? what boyfriend? if there was a boyfriend wouldn't he be talking to me? that's what I thought! lol. I could go over, I guess, but the invitation wasn't that beautiful, so if I want an okay time, I guess go over, but it doesn't seem uberly consequential either way, so don't sweat it. Just be happy.
There's no need to over-analyze the situation, since analyzing actions and emotions don't really actually help all the time, what does help is being in the moment, and not dwelling on things that make you anxious.
He is all the way over there. Obviously part of you wants to see him. But the other part of you knows it's only reasonable that you don't need to just rush to him, that doesn't even make sense. Just take a shower and chill out. Shouldn't he like, beg me to come over? Maybe it's not a good night. All I know is I feel awkward forcing someone to hang out with me, that's never fun.
You're butthurt because he's not texting you enough. Maybe you should just go over, it would make this a lot more easy, y'know. Maybe your feelings of anger will dissipate because you're relaxed and chilling out, even though you feel SUPER resentful about the past or whatever, it might even be a small victory to not let the past have a stranglehold on you. If he ends up sucking then fine. At least going over there is something to do.
okay and I literally just broke writing to call him, and talked to him, and he was all nice or whatever, but I still felt like he was short with me, trying to get off the phone to hang out with his friend, but agreeing to come over tomorrow night. boys are so dense. I want it to be more balanced but i also wish there was a way for me to feel like he would make up for the debt of the past. I guess I haven't let go of that, I am so weighed down by it.
Well, fuck the past. focus on the present. that's like the hardest thing on earth yet could be the most useful. Holy fuck I just hope I become a better person through whatever the fuck anxiety that I am going through, and learn to chill out no matter how incredibly anxious I am any time I let my mind go. breathe in, breathe out.