Oh my goodness, this must be awful to feel. The good news is you are hearing that voice saying '... you need help' and you can heed it. You were brave in getting help before and it might be as simple as talking to someone, getting a medication adjustment or learning a new technique.

I know the darkness inside has a LOT to say and it is often so mean. I know it feels like a long path to get proper help. You psych yourself up to go get help andddd it doesn't quite work. It wasn't all for nothing, you have made huge strides. You must be proud of you for recognising those dark thoughts and realising they might not be actual reality.

Is there anyway you could see your doctor before you leave or a trusted professional?

I don't know what country you are in so I can't link, but you are not alone.