With this post being four days old and me not really having any clue about this sexytimechat website I'll just post a reply here and hope ya get it.
It's 12:03am my time. I have to be up and on the road by 4:30 so I can make it for the 6am opening of methadone clinic that I've been stuck in for over a year. The closest one is another county over, about an hour & 15 minutes away. I have to go so early to be back in town by 7:30 to open the restaurant I run.
After testing positive for amphetamines a month ago I've lost all my phases. Which means I have to do this seven days a week. In case it hadn't become obvious I too am an addict. And man, what I wouldn't give to once again be able to say 'former'. To look in the mirror and see a fighter again; to see the alive, curious, appreciative, selfless man I realized I was/am.
In fact, this is what I should be talking about. This 'sickness' , this 'disease', this 'weakness', this 'obsessive compulsion', this... 'character flaw' is once again the center of my world. It's again what defines me. Yet, since relapsing a couple years ago it has made every effort to derail my progress.
Determined to return to a time when it ran the show. Even if it takes pulling me the whole way by the head of the hair.
Force me to push everyone that loves me away so there isn't any competition. Back to when it was all I ever needed, all I ever wanted. Back to sitting alone in a small, dirty efficiency apartment. Partly embarrassed to have anyone over, heh, partly having literally no one to even have over, short of my dealers. Another part, having zero interest in having anyone over anyhow. I saw people as a walking 'whac-a-mole' game almost. People were just objects to be manipulated and if you didn't have anything I needed then you just as well be dead.
Instead of trying to connect with other addicts who I can reach out to when I want to talk, or, like now, just kinda lonely I spend an hour browsing all the NSFW Personals subs trying to connect with any woman that'll listen. It tells me not to waste time trying to have an honest conversation.
"What you really want is just to fuck! Dude, don't be a pussy! Let's flirt with all these chicks! You don't need one of those, what's it called? An honest relationship with someone you can open up with! Lame!! Take some pics of your junk, bro and randomly send them to strangers!! Let's try to win over this Russian egomaniacal/insecure chick that posted naked selfies on Reddit! I bet you could eventually get her to send you a dirty pic! Mission Accomplished!!"