I'm 99.9999% sure you know my account. It's the only way to explain so many things that can't all be coincidence. With this realization in mind, I am writing the following letter for you when you come here next.

Dear Faith,

I apologize if anything I've written here offended, like when I called you a mess. If you've been coming here then you probably already understand the full situation, but I would like to address you directly.

I suspect you did feel similarly, and that would also explain why you even here because I know you don't use reddit (you told me that). Many of our interactions seemed psuedo-romantic, and I was very obviously not a normal friend (because I saw how you were with others), and also I'm fairly certain if you didn't feel the same you would have said so.

However, I also have sufficient reason to doubt that: you know the obvious implication of seeing you two at the music building, and your vague response could just be a "polite" way of saying you didn't like me, and I said I was very obviously not a normal friend: the other side to that coin is that you never wanted me even as a friend at all. There was a blatant disparity that I always felt at tkd about how you were to me vs others, especially how you would always greet everyone else when they walked into the poomsae room, or that time you asked everyone to paint but really meant everyone but me.

Of course that is your right, but it doesn't mean that it doesn't hurt me, especially since I have no closure. I feel that you also barely spoke to me, the few times you did you seemed to have deliberately mentioned oddly specific things, maybe based on something I had written here. I do have feelings for you still; I think you're really cool and talented and you also have very pretty eyes and smile, but I won't deny that I feel immensely conflicted.

I feel really hurt and humiliated and in a way betrayed. I don't mind if you come here, but it's unfair if you yourself prefer to hide your feelings and get Collin to talk to me for you when you needed to. What I wanted to ask you last time was if you felt the same, and wanted me to wait. Now I understand why you didn't want to talk, but it's way easier to simply use 'asking out' in a meme than say all that.

Because this has hurt me for so long (18 months now), I'm torn apart between my feelings for you + knowing you didn't mean to hurt me and feelings of anger and hurt. Sometimes it feels like you never would have replied if I hadn't messaged you again, and that the entire ~2 years I've known you you've hated me and this was all some cruel joke. I've never felt so humiliated and hurt by a friend before even if you didn't mean it. It seems tone deaf to think I wouldn't notice or be confused or hurt by these things; I don't even know if you considered me a friend but your bird's eye view over me is really cold, and only hurts more because I know how you are with others. These past 8 months since we last spoke you've basked in omniscient light while o always kept agonizing over why so many of the things you've said are so convenient, and why you answered automatically, and why it's so easy for you to so blatantly ignore me and so easy for me to be so hurt by that, and why since last June I keep getting punished for having feelings for you and why I can't even get closure on them. I tried really hard to be friends with you the way I saw you were with others, but I think I was always doomed to fail because you could just come here instead.

I would appreciate it if we can talk about this. I get that you have school, but I know you'll read this by the New Year so I would like to talk by then. I can't afford to be keep this wound forever, and constantly ripped in these two directions. Just like you said you have to taf I don't hear from you by then, just like you said you had to take care of yourself, I have to take care of my mental health. If I don't hear from you by then, I'm letting you go for good. If we do talk, I promise not to ask you out. All I want is to know how you feel about me and get that closure, even if you don't like me back.

Sincerely,

Nimay