It's very late and the thread is very full so I hope no one reads this, but I just had to get it off my chest and I can't post it in the ED subs because I don't want to be triggering .I'm so sorry for posting this, so sorry for bothering everyone, so sorry that everything I say on here is just bitching about how much of a pig I am. But I have come to realize that it's impossible for me to eat like a healthy person. I will forever have to be not just counting but outright obsessing over calories. If I try and eat in a more relaxed manner, as I have been trying the past few days, I. Will.Gain.Weight. Every day but one I ate over my TDEE. And after this last misguided bout of "recovery" (read: doctor-endorsed switch to binging) I can no longer simply eat less and lose the weight again. I should skip some food tomorrow, and I want to with every fiber of my being, but my fat brain will take over and I will probably eat more than I did today. If it weren't for my ED I would be morbidly obese. Thank god for my anorexia, it's ruining my life but it would be worse without it because all I would do is eat and eat day in and day out.