Father's day check-in thread? How are yall doing?

Struggling a lot. I have hit a wall with feeling emotionally numb and can't stop crying. First NC Father's Day.

I feel so hurt realizing that what I normalized for 24 years was actually abusive. The realization comes and goes along with denial always creeping back in to confuse me...

Hurtful things Ndad has done to me before I went NC (but I used to make excuses for since I was always so deeply in denial):

  • Sold my car the first couple of months I was away for college (I bought this car in high school with my own money and needed a place to park it for nine months. He sold it and kept the cash about two months in)
  • let go of my beloved pet cockatiel while taking care of it for a week (he didn't let me be upset with him; he acted like a martyr somehow)
  • embarrassed me in front of my peers while I was in college by cussing and acting generally barbaric in front of them
  • he always forgot my birthday and age
  • parentified me.
  • using me as a stand-in wife/therapist while Nparents got divorced (thanks for the covert incest; will this disgusting feeling ever go away?)
  • using me as a write off for taxes 3 years in a row even though I was independent and did not consent to being claimed as dependent
  • talking mad shit about his parents (my grandparents) and his siblings (my aunts and uncles) so I would never trust them or form bonds with them while growing up
  • ridiculing me for having a boyfriend and wanting to spend time with him
  • teaching me that privacy can be taken away at any time (thanks for removing my bedroom door while I was a teenage girl)
  • teaching me that the world is a dangerous place and no one is trustworthy (except you, of course. Thanks for all the trust issues and difficulties forming relationships)

The list goes on... I really wanted to vent. Thanks for sharing a safe space.

/r/raisedbynarcissists Thread