I eat less than my wife does. I workout twice as long, and almost twice as often as she does. I've lost 25 pounds, and gained muscle in places that I've never had places before. She won't listen to anything I have to say about fitness in general or diet in particular, she tries to tell me all about "good carbs", "good fats" and how you have to eat more to spur your metabolism. It gets pretty intricate, and I'm not an intricate fucking person.

My "dieting" consists entirely of "eat green things, birds and fish in moderation. No suger." My workout plan is "lift heavy things everyday and run every other day."

She hasn't lost a pound. Not one fucking pound. She has spent several hundred dollars a month for her gym and personal training. She has bought several new sets of workout clothes. She has new workout shoes. She has gained weight since joining her expensive fucking gym, and has just recently gotten back down to her starting weight.

I'm still plodding along in my old-ass shorts, my tennis shoes with the blown-out sides and my tank-tops. I've never spent more than ten dollars a month on a gym (planet fitness), and I've never had a personal trainer in my life.

And every day she bemoans my "easy" weight loss. How I just seem to lose it with no effort. Then she turns right around and hits me with a lecture about eating balanced meals. I do eat balanced meals- I balance a pound of green veggies on one side of the plate, and a thin-sliced turkey breast on the other with onions and mushrooms on top. It looks pretty fucking balanced to me, so why do we have to hunt through the pantry for "a carb"?

Jesus fucking Christ. I love her to death. I would love her if she was twice as large. I'd love her if she made no effort at all to lose weight. But she can be the most infuriating woman on the fucking planet when she starts to lecture me as if my weight loss doesn't speak for itself.

I'm losing weight, and she isn't. Shouldn't that imply that I'm doing something right?