I struggle with this a lot, too, and your observations are very relatable--especially not knowing what you're capable of when it comes to sex.

Part of it for me personally is struggling with promiscuity. My first intimate relationships were very sexual--I never really had any smooth progression or healthy experiences before diving right into extreme sexual behavior, and the dynamics and escapism surrounding that really fucked me up. The sense of 'I'm pleasing someone, I'm liked, I feel good' became twisted into only feeling okay and worthy and desired during sex. I've pretty much only fluctuated between borderline sex addiction or painful/awkward one-offs, and they both leave me feeling pretty shitty about my capacity for attracting and connecting with others.

It's also difficult to reconcile that despite making progress and working on self-awareness, sex can easily throw all that out the window. Factored into my overall avoidance, it's just a messy cycle where the craving for physical intimacy pushes me into situations that are inevitably be sabotaged by emotional and sexual baggage--baggage that I just can't really figure out how to crack on my own, because it comes down to a charged, physical experience with another person.

I'm getting to the point where I can handle being open about things I find challenging in relationships, and I approach dating with that in mind. I can be realistic and keep it together when it comes to romance, I can actually picture working towards being honestly accepted and supported in a relationship, but adding sex in the mix just brings this feeling of dread. I want it, I like it, I don't even have any hang-ups, but overall, I probably can't say I handle sex well.

It's painful knowing I've tanked potentially healing relationships with potentially wonderful people because I was too intense or too dissociated. It really just throws that all-or-nothing emotional and psychological pattern into high gear. I just don't even know how to go about addressing my sexual needs--if I could even pin down an appropriate or healthy level in the first place, I would be clueless about how to communicate and establish that level with another person.