Feb 20, 2015 writing critique (post here if you'd like a critique)

The Good:

The dialogue was clean and easy to read. You seem to have a fleshed out world in your head, which is also cool. I think you've got something you can work off of. Take all of this as just an suggestion.

Opening:

You story starts at the wrong point for me. There is nothing to capture my attention. There isn't a HOOK; a hook is essential in the beginning. The first page is what sells your novel. When someone is scanning the books for one to buy, they are reading the first page, and if it is interesting they'll probably buy it.

What happens in your story (right now) is a bunch of dialogue. This doesn't mean that there is anything wrong with the dialogue itself but it's in the wrong place.

Start with motion, start with conflict. Make a promise to the reader that your book out of all the other books is going to be interesting.

A general rule is "In late out early". This means that you should enter any given scene as close to the action as possible, and leave any scene as close to the action as possible (especially in the first chapter).

Starting with dialogue is fine, but it should be dialogue infused with conflict; an argument for example that breaks into a fist fight. Two people arguing heatedly is a great beginning. Look at an Indiana Jones movie--starts with him running from boulders and stuff. Readers want to be there when the guns are pulled and be gone when the blood starts to flow.

Having your character walking to find someone is boring, especially since you'll have to use a ton of dialogue and thought to explain to the reader what's going on, and that's when I want to put the book down.

Your opening line and paragraph set the expectations for the reader. Make it interesting. So far, I expect them to keep on talking and I don't think I'm willing to gamble on a $20 hardback wondering when/if the author will decide to throw some cool shit in.

Somewhere you mentioned something about melted prison guards; that sounded cool but we didn't get to see it.

Dialogue:

From what I saw you had a few saidbookisms, which most people think is not good: A Said Bookism is a variety of Purple Prose in which the writer goes out of their way to avoid the word "said". You had a few grammar mistakes here and there and a few confusing dialogue tags.

My advice:

Start with something crazy happening. Make the characters show themselves through their actions at first, rather than with clunky dialogue. Have MC arguing with his companion about how much he hates going after whoever they're chasing. Have the other character argue back; that alone immediately creates a conflict. People love seeing things fall apart, make it happen right away.

Try out /r/destructivereaders for more and better feedback. Just don't forget to read the rules there about critiquing before you post if you do decide to try it out.

*also im fairly certain that it is common for editors to ask the author to start off at other places. Sometimes the entire first chapter will be thrown. So their's no reason to be discouraged.

/r/writing Thread