I am also 19 and about to be a sophomore in college. I have the same exact feelings as you.

I got sent home in March when the COVID-19 lockdowns started. Just like you, I HAVE to stay home because I cannot let my family get sick.

As with concerns with my life not feeling fulfilled, I have felt like it was not fair with people seemingly not having any problems whatsoever while I had to experience 3 deaths of my classmates and my family becoming ill. It just never seems to end, and I thought it would after middle and high school. But it didn't.

I have never been in a serious relationship too. With all this loneliness I have experienced, I just want a tender embrace. I spent this night crying so much that I couldn't sleep, and it is now early morning. I always felt like no one would love broken parts. With this, it feels like no one actually loves you, and you're just a fucking waste of space. <- This is how the demonic voice in my head operates, and I just want it to stop.

It doesn't feel fair at all, but we don't really know what's going on in their world just like how others don't know how we hide ourselves and our emotions. I am scared to even open up about this in a public setting because I am scared I will be attacked, hurt, and that the demonic voices will be right.

I am also worried about college starting up. It is both a mix of online and in-person, and all I could really do on campus is go to class, not make any contact, and go back. My state has one of the highest cases and people are treating it like it is not real, and I don't know what is going to happen to my school.

To cope with my feelings, I write a lot of songs and focus on developing myself as a music artist. I do it as a form of therapy because it lets me record my feelings. It makes me feel like I could express myself.

But I hope you do feel better soon. I guess we just have to fight it.