I keep trying to reply, but I delete the comment and start over. I'm having a hard time, but I appreciate your reply so I'll try to say something substantial.

I wish I worked with my therapists. I've been confused at best and combative at worst. People didn't exactly spell out to me that I'm experiencing symptoms of a mental illness. My parents preferred to return my hostilities back at me, which doesn't make them my enemies but it does make it impossible to befriend them. My good friend, who is severely depressed, is well knowledgable and taught me that this unbeatable mental monster is actually just a collection of symptoms. I knew what mental illness was before this, but my friend made me realize that what I'm going through is not unique, and thus there is support for it.

I'm only now coming to terms with the fact that the past decade's suffering is a result of a mental illness that I should treat, in part due to this thread. No more telling myself it's not real or that I shouldn't waste people's time. My life has worth. I don't believe it, but I finally know it (I'll stop feeling so optimistic in a few hours, I bet my arms on it).

People haven't been supportive before, but they are now. It might score me enough points that something might improve. It's irrelevant which of us is suffering more than others. We'll never know, and only the dark side of my mind even cares. We all deserve as much priority as everyone else.

Thank you for sharing this. I hope those of us that are confused can accept that they are not bad, manipulative people, but need to begin following doctor's orders. Learning to cope and live with this is already an impossible task that I'm not sure anyone has actually accomplished, so don't completely isolate yourself. As far as I'm concerned, that would be a slow suicide.