3. Why do I feel guilty for standing up for myself & going NC?

Why do I feel guilty for standing up for myself & going NC?

My mother put me out around 16 and did the push pull with me for a long time. The day I stood up for myself I was literally nothing to her. I spent years homeless because I had literally 0 life skills. I got myself hooked on drugs to cope. I was hospitalized in a fight one day and got zero response from her. I've been so afraid of everything for so long. I was always locked up in my room growing up. She never showed me affection. Never said I'm sorry. Never hugged me. Never said she loved me. I really don't understand how to cope with all the anger and frustration I have against her sometimes, and now I'm thinking I shouldn't ever have to forgive her. She fucked me up more than anyone or thing ever have. I don't understand how I allowed her to have so much power over me my whole life. The worst part is when I see her reflection when I look in the mirror. I have so much self hatred for the stuff she's done to me that's rubbed off and I really wish I could get better. I don't know where to start. I don't know how. How do I stop being afraid of people? How do I learn to trust again? How can I look someone in the eyes after they've treated me poorly and say how I feel without shutting down or crying? I'm sorry this is coming out in a comments section. I'm not trying to top your story, but I fucking get it. I really do, and I hope it gets better for you because it fucking sucks having parents that might as well be dead bc they don't give a flipping fuck or are too stuck up to admit when they are wrong.

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