I would say in general, but here as well. I've frequently been at the center of misunderstandings that have put me in awkward positions most of my life. I've asked myself many times if it is something that I am doing and in truth, I don't think I'm doing anything wrong or even differently than anyone else.

Things have always been 20% harder for me and I tend to get 20% less in return. Not that that is something I need, but it does start to become a tiring existence. It's not something that people who haven't been through it can really understand. I'm not being a pessimist here either, I'm just being realistic. It's reasonable to believe that any sort of human connection will also follow those rules. It hasn't happened naturally already so it is reasonable to believe I'm correct in this assessment. I've been told I'm good socially if not a little quite although not all the time.

I get very anxious and a particularly anxious idea or thought can have me free falling into a recovery that can take almost 24 hours to get back from with the use of my meditation techniques during the event and after I can minimize the damage by essentially keeping things at eye level and processing them. It comes from the idea that I think subconsciously any effort I put in will be met with enormous and disproportionate resistance. A resistance that other people will not and do not experience for a reason I don't fully understand. Maybe I've built up too much bad karma, but that isn't really my concern. That being said I'm challenging these thoughts and working on improving my social life and emotional health every single second of every day. Always being aware of my thinking, my actions, my words. More compassionate, more transparent and more open all the time to everyone. I'm constantly vigilant and I've gotten MUCH better because of it, but it is exhausting and occasionally feels "unfair" but it is the way it is and I just have to accept it and keep trying.

Ultimately, this is post was about looking for things that I can do that I'm not already doing that will make things, not easier, but less exhausting.

I'm almost positive this will be misinterpreted in some way so please read twice and feel free to ask me any question you would like.

Thank you.