I feel like i failed my kid because i had him too young

Slightly different perspective, but one that might help. I am adopting a kid whose mother actually was a shitty mom. He has ADHD, behavioral issues, and anxiety. According to his school records, these issues began to reach a head around 2nd grade. But it is clear that he had some of these problems much earlier on. They moved a lot, he bounced between relatives, she didn't spend much time with him. It seems that once the behavioral issues started, she began neglecting him, allowing him to spend hours playing video games (sometimes skipping school) just so she wouldn't have to deal with him. At 11, when bio mom met step-dad, she began to try and get him "help", which it turns out was a euphemism for finding a way to get rid of him. She took him to various mental hospitals and tried to convince them that he had more serious issues than he did. She tried very hard to get people to believe he was schizophrenic. Of course, a few days with the kid and the doctors would send him home a bit miffed. He has problems regulating his emotions, but this kid isn't schizophrenic. Then she tried to convince people that he was autistic. (not even close) She had this kid lie for her to keep up the charade, but he's a kid and he had no idea how to pretend to be schizo or autistic. Her goal appeared to be full-time mental hospital commitment so that she wouldn't look like a bad mother for no longer wanting to parent this kid. This went on for two and a half years before a Dr. told her she would be brought up on charges if she brought the kid back. There is nothing wrong with him that would require a full-time hospitalization for the rest of his life. She finally abandoned him to foster care at 15.

That is what a bad mother looks like. My kid has issues. The mental health issues are not his mom's fault. They aren't your fault. They just are. You are seeking treatment, which is huge. My kid has some serious issues now that stem from years of neglect and abandonment, and I imagine his life would be so very different right now if he had a mother who was more engaged and willing to seek help early on. And I have been amazed by the amount of progress we have seen by learning how to engage a kid like ours. I highly recommend The Connected Child by Karyn Purvis. It really helped us to understand the brain and alternative techniques for engaging with a kid who has issues with regulation and anxiety. Also, ways to connect positively with your child even when he is being an absolute pain in the ass.

You've got this mama. You are not a shitty mom, just tired and desperate, but I can already see you are on the right track.

/r/breakingmom Thread