I feel like a failure.

The only thing in my life that has kept me going has been music. I have always been involved musically one way or another, jumping from interest to interest throughout the years and wanting badly to put my heart into it, but it either became and chore and expectation (which burnt me out) or there were other things in my life that took up all my energy (mental illness, for one). My family never understood my love for music or why I would spend money on concert tickets, despite feeling the most alive I ever had standing in a crowd at a concert. Why I would be moved to tears seeing my favorite bands. Why I would plan out the entire day and involve what few friends I had, camping out or queuing all day to hopefully get barricade just so we could be at the front of the action. They never understood, and when they made half-assed attempts to, my responses to further the conversation and actually show that I knew quite a bit regarding the topic, would be shot down. Instead I was called rude and pretentious, close minded and judgmental. That stacked on top of my demeanor, which I now recognize stems a lot from my neurodivergency, I was regarded as generally unpleasant and rude, abrasive and defensive by my immediate family. Once at dinner with my sister’s boyfriend’s family, his father, a very insightful and charismatic man stated that he thought I was the most easy-going and mellow of the four of us, which brought shock and appall from my mother, father, and sister.

My freshman year of college I met my best friend. She and I clicked instantly and she was the first friend I ever had that I felt truly understood me. Not the person I had to put on display for my conservative family and friends, but who I was unfiltered. She enjoyed my sarcastic and dry humor and was grateful for my honesty instead of shooting it down. I could share my interests, dreams, fears, everything with her. I told her about my lowest points and she told me hers, we bonded over the highs and lows of life we had experienced before we came into each other’s lives. Right before COVID she confided in me that she wanted me to start a band with her. I have amateur ability at a few instruments but her dream has always been to sing. I jumped on board and was determined to learn and get better, to embark on this journey with her. Then, lockdown happened and went home. Instant tension, constant fighting, they were all worried because I’m immunocompromised,…but it was even worse because in their eyes I had changed even more so. They didn’t like that I was constantly communicating with her, texting or calling because my time spent with her was ultimately better than with them, as I was constantly on edge and masking. They called me selfish and immature , and even to this day I’m sure my father thinks that I was hiding a romantic relationship with her (he’s extremely homophobic and neither of them acknowledge my bisexuality) which is untrue. (3/?)

/r/offmychest Thread