I feel like I've turned into a sociopath

I've been the through a similar thing thinking I was a narcissist but you don't think. Here's my thoughts although I don't know your entire background. Depersonalization/derealisation blunts emotion including empathy a little but there is a difference between this and sociopath/psycopath. The idea of hurting somebody upsets you enough to make different decisions in career to avoid the slightest risk of harm you obviously care. Also such disorders are not going to appear out of nowhere, you'd have a pattern of behavior since childhood not a recentish reaction to trauma, you may be struggling at the moment but you seem a decent person generally

I know this is hard to argue back against these thoughts so on a practical level from my experience. Yours may not be the same.

Anxiety tends to lead to black and white thinking where your either good or a terrible person who deserves to be punished. Generally people fit more in shades of grey or a sliding scale of behavior/empathy/morality. When I was younger and ill, I was selfish and occasionally cruel, because I had no energy for paying attention to other people.These days after therapy I make an effort to listen more to other people because I'm lesss of a crisis and can pay attention to other people. If you have done things in the past you are not proud of or are afraid of doing something in the future, punishing yourself by worrying or hating yourself does not you get better health or be a good person. The sadder you are the easier it is to make mistakes.

Also the attack is obviously going to set this off. I assume your mother was abusive or violent before..? Its common for victims of violence to be afraid of becoming like the abuser. Having grown up with domestic violence ive been through this.Its going to take more therapy to get over that. But the more you look after yourself the less likely that is to happen.

So basically focus on a day by day basis on getting well, and being as good person as you can in the circumstance. If you have a bad day try to not generalise from it. One mistake or panic attack today just means a bad day. The next day may be better. Also in blunt terms, I believe you have an obsessive thoughts which are not rational. When I latch onto something to obsess over I usually reach out to my friends as a means of reality testing to see how reasonable my fear is. Although I'm quite extrovert for anxiety sufferer so writing them in a journal might help for this.

I might also suggest seeing whether therapist can do some exposure therapy for fear of hurting animals for help with career you love. Like meeting a dog or something with company and eventually less supervision so you can prove to yourself that you won't actually hurt them. But I dont know. Do you have a therapist available now?

Sorry if I'm projecting too much of my stuff onto you. Hang in there.

/r/Anxiety Thread Parent