I feel like I’m going insane.

[cont’d]

I asked him if I was crazy - had I been fooling myself the whole time or was this connection as real as I believed it to be? He confirmed it - which I’ve always considered an incredible gift - so many people on this journey have been left not quite knowing if their person feels the same way, and I think that must be so incredibly painful. It helped ground me, knowing that we both believed it was real.

I asked to write to him, then - not to keep blowing up his phone. I emailed him so many letters, told him my life story as if I were on my deathbed, lol. I still didn’t know if he would ever consent to see me again so maybe it was my last opportunity to get him to know me. I wrote love poems, too... I told him that if we couldn’t be together then I would have to conquer the world, because I couldn’t just sit here wasting away with all the energy of my love...

He didn’t respond, so after several weeks I felt that I had said everything and told him it was time for me to go. There is a fine line between devotion and obsession and I didn’t want to cross it. I needed to gather up what was left of my dignity and try to move on, but I told him again that he could always find me if things changed, if he could find a way past his fears...

I couldn’t eat or sleep, at work I would frequently have to find private places to prop myself against a wall because my heart hurt so much I could barely breathe. I had a near-death experience some years ago but those early months of separation from my person was the worst pain I’d ever felt. His presence haunted me silently in the shadows of my mind. It was torture. I started googling my crazy symptoms and how to move on, and that’s when I learned about twin flames. It all made sense. But I had no idea how to carry on even with the knowledge. My person was with someone else - someone “traditional” who probably looked like Natalie Portman or Audrey Hepburn, lol - he had mentioned once that they were his ideal and when I balked since I’m really nothing like them, he quickly backpedalled and said that he actually prefers women a little less than perfect, with character. Close call, lol.

Anyway... a couple months later I met someone randomly online, a friend of a friend through FB. He invited me out swing dancing with some of his friends, and I thought that seemed novel and silly enough to maybe be good for me. But when I showed up, his friends had bailed so it was just us. This guy was like the complete opposite of my person. He actually made me smile after what had felt like ages. There was a bit of light breaking through my darkness. I started thinking of him occasionally (along with the constant specter of my TF).

And then... the following week my TF contacted me. When I saw the notification I almost fainted on the street. In his message he explained more about how his experiences with combat had hardened him and that he felt incapable of being emotionally vulnerable. He didn’t mention the other woman - perhaps she was out of the picture - but he talked about some of the books from the list I’d given him. He’d been reading them all...

Like a dummy I mentioned how strange it was that he contacted me right then, just as the pain had started to go away - and that I’d met someone else. I didn’t mean to express that I was with someone else, but I think that’s how he took it. And I assumed he was still with his girlfriend... So I think we both made a mistake, assumed we were both taken, and basically became penpals who lived fifteen minutes from each other, lol...

My dating life crumbled, and his work situation fell apart; my apt/house burned down New Year’s 2020 and left me homeless, and he was having problems with the new house he’d bought. One strange synchronicity - on the day of the fire, one of the cleanup crew showed me a german shepherd puppy that had been rescued from the basement of another site. A couple months later when I found a new apt, the guy offered me that same puppy, which I adopted. Kismet! I think about how my TF’s german shepherd had been hit by a car on what otherwise should have been a happy evening for us; and then, on one of my hardest days, a new german shepherd came into my life...

I love my dog more than just about anything, and he really kept me together through what happened through 2020. Lol, when the fire happened I remember saying “Well, 2020 can only get better, right?” Nope!!!

So it’s been rough for both of us. There have been months out of contact, and I’ve tried to follow his lead, to wait. He drifts away but then will send me an email or text. Around the anniversary of our separation I wrote him an email to let him know that my feelings hadn’t changed - in case he thought time had cooled my heart. He didn’t respond to that, but he sent me some videos of himself with a new guitar he’d built. I could have absorbed those videos right into my skin, lol. Our text messages remain casual - memes, music links, recommendations for tv/films... Early Sept the physical ache of our separation finally subsided and I thought I’d finally surrendered!

Last fall I tried bleaching my hair and he demanded pictures. He sent some of himself. He’s looking a bit different. I probably do, too, with the new hair. It bothered me... I went through a terrible slump (no surrender after all) and decided to remove all his pictures and videos from my phone, and even deleted his contact information. I was tired of this limbo. If he didn’t want to see me (in person), then I really just didn’t want to see him at all, lol. We would just be formless words on the screen... He could drift away and maybe one day would never come back... I just had to accept it.

But he ended up telling me he hadn’t been able to hold down a job all year and so he’d gone back to school and was giving it his all. I realized how rather childish/selfish I’d been, and that I actually quite hated myself. I was no lore ready for him than he was ready to be emotionally vulnerable. So, I started to make a plan for myself to change things for 2021.

And it’s made such a difference. It’s hard work, and I get scared of this unknown future ahead of me, but now I’m being more active - more conscious - awakened - in my approach. I’m not lost to the currents of the universe, or fighting against the flow. I’m starting to find a way to navigate with the guidance of the universe, and it gives me hope to find that space of peace and balance that both my TF and I have always wanted...

I’m even considering dating again - an old acquaintance has popped back up and even knows about my TF but still wants to spend time with me. We’ll see!

My TF knows where to find me. I love him, love him unconditionally and love to know he is out there like a vision in my dreams come to life. Knowing he exists in the “real” world has given me hope that maybe there are more beautiful things out there for me, not just a dark wasteland of alienation and disappointing incidents... In any event, if there is any chance for us in the future, he’ll need all my light as well as love.

This got a lot longer than I intended but it felt good to write out completely so I hope you don’t mind. Thanks for inquiring and I hope it helps and comforts you in some way!

/r/twinflames Thread Parent