yep I understand completely how you feel, it's almost like you are me from a parallel universe haha listen, obviously since I'm still going through it myself, I don't have any solutions to offer. however, I can share a few things that make me feel better. a few reminders:

1) he did love you, and nothing that happened afterwards can take that away from you. the feelings were real, the love was real, it was all real. and deep down you know that. the idea that he didn't really love you only stems from your own insecurity or low self-esteem.

2) if you felt like your relationship was really that special, you weren't delusional or imagining things. it was for both of you. and there's no one who will ever make him feel the way you did. no matter what happens next, he'll always look back on your relationship fondly, and it will always be meaningful to him.

3) he is almost certainly full of doubt, regret, and confusion. even if breaking up was the right thing to do, he is going through some tough feelings right now too. you're not alone in it.

4) if it's meant to be, you'll find your way back to each other. and it's okay to be holding onto hope that it's going to happen. the important thing is you don't let that hope prevent you from living your life. keep your heart open for him if you feel like you're not ready to close it and want to give him a chance to come back. simply do right by yourself and don't stay hung up on it forever. keep living, keep doing your things, and whatever is meant to happen between you two, will happen.

hope this helps :) sending you lots of hugs