Thank you.

I'm just so afraid of being hurt more. No one causes me to hurt. I'm just really good at picking things I like to do that cause immeasurable amounts of pain.

I feel like I completely tore the bandage off a wound that is still bleeding. And I let someone see that completely, and I also made myself sound probably horrible, so it's almost feeling like I was begging this person to hurt me as hard as they could.

And I don't want that. I don't think they'd do that, but I can't stop thinking about what it would be like if they did go out of their way to hurt me. I hate giving people that kind of control over me, it just makes me feel sick and like I want to scream for the rest of my life. I hate living like this in perpetual fear of something that I should honestly not give a flying fuck about.

I feel like I keep trying to destroy my emotions so I just don't have any. This really just, everything, it just makes me feel so stupid and like I'm going to get hurt badly no matter what. But I can't change my feelings so I really seriously just want out and want to die because I don't think I can overcome this. I keep trying.

It sucks to be depressed but it sucks even more to be depressed and feel unrequited and completely wrong love (if I even know what that means). It just feels like heart wrenching agony. I keep thinking about whether I have done enough bad things that I deserve this permanent kind of suffering.

And I hate that I'm this needy, emotionally overcharged person. It's just weird. I am weirdo, and not the good kind. Everyone can tell me not to feel sad over it. Everyone can shrug it off like it shouldn't affect me that much. I don't know why I keep letting this stuff eat away at me besides believing that there isn't a damn thing I can do about it.

I can go through my entire life and try to figure out how to fix this, but nothing works. It doesn't even matter if I try to forget, lose contact. I'm still completely insane over it.

I feel stupid for coming to the depression forum over a love problem. But the darkness this feels like it has taken me too, it is just so much pain.