That doctor did give me anti-depressants which were actually really good but I didn't stay on them. I was just fed up and impulsively decided to come off them.

I felt that people were shoving the anti-depressants down my throat by saying how good they were, how they had no side-effects whereas if they had just said nothing and let me do my own thing, I probably would have stuck to them. I just hated the idea of being told what to do, even though I knew that it was actually good advice. I felt that they didn't really want to listen to what I had to say and thought that the anti-depressants would just shut me up essentially. I just felt really angry and thought "I'm not going to be shut up". I just didn't think that they really cared me..that if they really cared, they wouldn't be so clinical about things and that they'd just ask me how I was feeling..that there would be more emotional warmth instead. I felt that I was trying really hard to be assertive and say what I needed but that I was getting all these negative reactions. From their point of view, they'd say that it was just "tough love" really..that they were just being honest and saying "well this is what you have to do and that's it so stop complaining about it".

But I think that being depressed just reminded me that my relationships weren't what I wanted them to be..that I wanted to have more supportive ones and I was just grasping at straws really..desperate for support, sometimes of people who didn't really care about me. I honestly felt that there was no point in living if no-one cared about me. I mean, really cared about me. Not just pretended to care and that's what I felt they were doing. I felt like they were just saying the "right" thing but didn't actually mean it..that it wasn't genuine at all yet they had the audacity to act like I was the unreasonable one in the situation. It was beyond infuriating/frustrating...whatever you want to call it.

I don't think I actually hate men but I do get moments when I resent men whenever a man doesn't listen to what I have to say or when I happen to meet a misogynistic man. I actually have experienced sexual harassment in the workplace and it was a nightmare. I hear people say that they'd prefer to work for a man but I honestly would prefer to work for a woman because I think "at least I'm not going to be sexually harassed". I'm a friendly person and that boss just misinterpreted it for flirtiness, something I've been up against a lot. And that guy I mentioned before lied to me and just treated me badly so that's probably I wasn't in the mood for sex then, probably nothing to do with my sexual orientation really.

I don't even mind "mansplaining" because it's at least an acknowledgment that gender inequality exists..that there is a problem! Whereas I've come across men who denigrate feminism with these weak, faulty arguments. I've argued with them and disproven each of their points but they still won't apologize and just admit that they're wrong..they just try to fight it out to the bitter end which is just pathetic because they're fighting a losing battle really.

I also feel that men can express their honest opinions and they're told that they're so confident whereas when I do it, I'm called a bitch or people get offended! It's like I have to try to tone down my opinion all the time-again, something a man probably doesn't have to do.

I don't think my lack of self/identity is dissociation. Isn't dissociation where you don't feel like you're there..that you feel outside your body? It's not that I have a complete lack of self/identity-it's rather that I just don't like who I am and keep thinking that if I changed my personality/identity, then I'd be happier.

It doesn't necessarily matter if I'm bi/homosexual. It's more to do with other peoples' judgments! That I would get less judgment if I were just 100% straight so I have some anxiety about that still... I don't think that everyone is bisexual but I know where you're coming from. I've read about the Kinsey Scale and that helped me but I can't help feeling that society is so heteronormative that to be anything different is a liability really.

I think that particular experience with that guy haunts me because my emotions were so obvious. I tried to act like I was okay but really, I was seething with anger and I was so disgusted with myself that it was obvious. I didn't want him to know that I was angry..that he even had the power to affect me but my body language was obviously tense that there was no getting away from it. I didn't say anything but I didn't need to. It was the one time I thought "why couldn't I just be a calmer person and not feel things intensely"? I didn't want to show my emotions around him..any emotion really so it was like "damn..that emotion leaked out really" and just made me feel weak and I couldn't stand that. I wanted to feel strong..that I could just be a robot and have sex whenever, regardless of my mood and it was frustrating to realize that I had personal limits. I mean, in hindsight, it was a good thing that I felt like that but I just couldn't see it like that at the time. I just felt that I wanted to win by being the most stoical person in the situation and just by having a poker face and by reacting, I felt that I had instantly lost really..that I hadn't given the "right" answer/response to the situation.