I just recently quit drinking again about 3 weeks ago. I quit drinking in 2016 up until May of this year because I do stupid and regrettable things while under the influence. I went to rehab for opiate and Suboxone addiction and completed the 28 days about May 5th. I felt I had enough will power and self control to not binge drink like I used to but I was dead wrong.
When I drink I typically drink Whiskey or Scotch straight but once I start I don't stop. I've done some pretty stupid things in my life but majority of those happened while I was under the influence of alcohol honestly. After rehab I haven't done drugs anymore but after the program I wanted to celebrate and get inebriated legally and since I'd taken such a long hiatus from alcohol I figured wth...I deserved to celebrate my sobriety from drugs by getting drunk and I'd be fine.
It's as if I picked up right where I left off doing stupid shit again. I binged and drank 3/4 of a handle of Jim Beam and blacked out at some point but don't remember exactly when. I just remember trying to get my uncle to go shot for shot with me and listening to Richard Cheese on Youtube on my Bluetooth speaker. My Aunt and Uncle told me what happened that night about 3 days later since they wouldn't talk to me from being so upset with me for what I did.
They said after being fine and having a normal and fun time just listening to music and taking shots that it's like a switch flipped and I looked completely different. They said I went from being happy as could be to angry and just pissed off about something. My Aunt said I started cutting myself with my pocketknife (a 6-1/2 in Gerber flip knife) while saying I wanted to kill myself (I've never been suicidal but extremely self destructive) and kept throwing myself over the rail into the yard while screaming obscenities at nobody in particular. My Aunt said she tried to make me go to bed and said I pushed her to the ground and tried to fight my uncle...which is stupid af because he could whoop my ass with one hand tied behind his back...he used to wrestle and has been turning wrenches his whole life. They finally got me into my bedroom and had to lock me in so that they could go out to a bar without having to worry about me. My uncle said he was gonna tie me to a chair and put me in the middle of the yard but it was cold that night and he didn't want me to disturb the neighbors. I have zero recollection of anything after about my 7th shot but I feel like a piece of shit and still do for everything that happened. I've apologized profusely and haven't had a drink since and don't plan on it...I think I need to give it up for good.
So I see a therapist for all of my mental stuff but I haven't seen her since this all went down. I'll see her again the 22nd. I haven't been on my meds since rehab because I just moved and started seeing this lady in mg new county. There's a long line ahead of me to see the med nurse and my new therapist has to give a new diagnosis before they out me back on my medication. I'll see the med nurse Nov 18th. I feel like a piece of shit for everything I've done to my loved ones and feel I don't deserve their love or forgiveness...I don't want to blame my mental shit for the things I've done as j feel it's just making excuses for my stupid actions.
I'm sure I'll be downvoted to oblivion for this and I deserve it. I just feel that people need to know the truth and that maybe my story could help someone that doesn't see that they possibly have a problem with their drinking or binge drinking like I do.