Sorry, I rambled and wasn't very coherent or complete. It's emotional and something thay is mostly just feeling I constantly have. I don't talk about it so it's not concise or anything. Kind of comes out like vomit.

I'm 22 and pay 20% to an ex who lives at her parents house still. She moved away with my son and stopped me from seeing him for 6 months at 1.5 years of me living with him since birth. I had to have a temporary order to get visitation. At 18 I moved 3 hours, situated myself to support my current girlfriend so that she didn't have to work while so he could have constant attention from people that care about him. I have him 7/14 days a week in addition to weeks of care during breaks and summer. Although they said nothing concerning my abilities to care for my son, and I never forced her seperation from him, and I'm the only one following the temporary order to the t with daily recording of communication and pickuo/drop-off time. I have to pay for things he has at my residence. Though I'm a level 3 technician making 53k in Central Iowa I very much struggle to support my family. She works full time and only during the day, so he sits in daycare until I or her parents take care of him. There is nothing I can do. I don't get child deduction anymore either so tax returns are tiny. I've had to file bankruptcy etc. For 1 year I did everything I was supposed to. I got a lawyer who I'm still paying for years later (I even had to pay some of her fees!). Went to trial, because they wouldn't agree in mediation. I get ordered with visitation t, th then every other weekend. I keep him until 830 t, th. In Iowa driving my 2 year old across town seems ridiculous. I had reliable vehicles, my own place with bedrooms for everyone and even still she lives with her parents, still makes no real money, dropped out of college before trial, was even fired. My son says she doesn't take care of him (at 5) and that she's gone a lot. Trial destroyed me, I was so confident. I worked so hard. I spiraled so hard after that. I was so young when that happened. I did everything I was told to do best I could and I ended up owing 7k for what I would have gotten had I represented myself. Ive never been in legal trouble, I was exceptional in school. At 16 I moved in with her and started to work full time for multiple employers simultaneously doing what I thought I was supposed to. It broke me. It made me want to give up altogether. I don't have the confidence to even try to get the order changed because there is precedent now and I honestly am scraping by. I've lost all sense of who I am in a deep down way with no ways to even put it into words. I used all resources my resources to move and get established. To trial I even brought a recording of when after the months and months of her ignoring me even though I'd moved 180mi with only the support of my amazing partner, also 18, to be close to him she called and wanted to come explain explain. She said her family pressured her, she was acting in spite. She said no one expected me to pursue being with him. I asked for split custody in trial, I said it's only fair. I never tried to take her rights away, just fighting for my equal rights for him. My lawyer didn't have any questions for me to answer during trial and all the exhibits presented were exactly as I had aggregated the info like texts etc when I sent them to the lawyer. I spent 2 days being asked about whether I watched pornography when I was a teenager, whether I swore as a teenager, whether I made the internet quit working (really, I'm a technician and her parents would assume if something quit working I broke it. One time I was grabbed in the middle of the night over a loose power cable because somehow I broke their computer. I had my own I just like to help people with issues they ask me to help with.) I don't know what to do but suck it up but my life is hard, I haven't enjoyed life for years. It's hard to do things even when you objectively know it's important for what you care about and even things that I loved. I don't feel it. I don't feel anything towards anything I don't want to do anything I never talk I barely eat I can't maintain exercising for long. Its so hard to get to the doctor. I don't want to do anything and I don't want to do nothing either. It's been this way for years. I know I can get better but I've known I need to talk to someone professional for years. I know what I should do but I can't explain how it doesn't matter what I should do if I have no emotions to do the work. I don't feel care. I want his mom to succeed and I want my son to have everything I can provide but I don't have support. For years I wasn't even able to put my feelings into words. I just think about bad things, and don't rationalize them because without putting it into words it's just a stew of negativity. The judge didn't care, her lawyer was ruthless and the 2 days were spent grilling me about things from when I was 16 unrelated to being a parent. In trial I could only answer yes no and my lawyer hardly had questions. 12 hours, 2 days, 11 was her lawyer, (very expensive senior lawyer) asking stupid questions in a way to make me seem awful. Context should matter, but I wasn't allowed to explain anything, and he's a professional. It made me want to die. I've emotionally given up. I live for other people at this point. I think it's important but I feel like it isn't fair that I don't look forward to tomorrow and have lost all my confidence in anything. It's hard to have a compass without the internal feelings to make me want to do anything. Life is work. I don't enjoy it.