Gay man, born in the church, attending a CES school. I'm still closeted except to close friends, parents, and siblings.
Childhood was mostly uneventful. I was picked on a lot, but mostly because I hit puberty late and was absolutely obnoxious. With cub scouts and boy scouts I feel like I had difficulty connecting with peers because I never quite liked roughhousing/physical activity/camping/shooting/etc. But I was also short, scrawny and very anxious.
Puberty was really awkward, mostly because the people in my troop had nice pecs and it was hard not to stare when it came to swim activities. I mostly chalked this up to just pubescent curiosity, since I was behind on most developments and found them interesting. Porn eventually confirmed no attraction to girls, full attraction to guys.
Somehow I never really identified as gay, I guess just because I figured I'd grow a bit more and then I'd like girls or something. It's really weird though, having everyone around you start liking girls and just wondering when that was going to happen for you. You turn 14 and go to interview with the bishop for a dance card and he's talking about modesty and how close is too close when you're dancing and I'm just sorta nodding my head like 'yeah sure, ok. I don't really understand but that sounds good.' And then I'm 16, see bishop every Sunday in priest quorum and he starts talking about dating and how you should always double date, never get serious and no heavy petting and I still didn't really understand. We also had these pseudo-dating or speed dating mutual activities to get to know the girls and I was just completely uninterested.
I graduated high school without dating ever and came to a CES school, where I was just totally engrossed in dating culture. Somehow I still managed to avoid dating even when I had a few girls really heavily hinting that I should ask them out (but I was both oblivious and a coward). But even still I wasn't asexual per-se; pornographically I was very much into gay stuff. I still had this dissonance though that I would marry in the temple at some point, probably up until my second year—I'd been listening to the livestream of an artist I looked up to who recently had come out as gay, and along with him were others chatting some of their dating experiences. I'd say that moment listening in was the first time I'd admitted that I was gay—even just to myself—and that I wanted a boyfriend at some point. I still believed though, but didn't care much for Mormonism.
3 months later, I'd found the CES letter and read it, but decided to continue attending in unbelief. I still wanted to date, somewhat, but it was a very very low priority. However, I read a tweet from a bisexual friend who had come out to their parents that made me a bit sad. To summarize, his parents viewed him as 'at least half normal' and I had the realization that I would eventually have to tell my parents. I also had the mild realization that I would never be able to date someone until I graduated.
Halfway into the year, I got into a deep conversation with a close friend and came out to them. Outside of the internet, they were the first person I had told. Reality hit me much harder this time on the dating rules and I pretty much alternated between "oh fuck oh fuck I'm at this school for 3 more years fuck" and "I'll never be loved by anyone as long as I'm here." The latter was probably the most destructive, since I'd started noticing other's affection much more: Holding hands, kissing, dating... I was going to be in my 20s and graduated before I'd date anyone. My roommates were extremely vocal about their dating life, so every night was another reminder. A lot of bishops push dating and dating-oriented ward activities, so it's difficult to fit into the culture there, too.
A year and some months later, I'm still talking to the friend I came out to. I'd been crushing on him a bit and told him I liked him—and sure enough, he liked me too. As we dated though, it's like everything fell into place and I'd finally understood what I had been missing. It sounds cheesy I guess but I've learned a lot about myself and have never felt more comfortable around anyone else in my life. Unfortunately, dating at a CES school means the relationship is entirely closeted, but not just at the risk of someone knowing we're gay—being found means losing everything we've worked for in school.
tl;dr confusing childhood and early adulthood, existential dread at a CES school, dating is good but honor code isn't