So I finally found out why she won't have sex with me!

Based on my personal experiences with my LL wife, and from reading these forums, I've learned a very important lesson: you can't change her, you can only change yourself. She is not responsible for your happiness, you are.

Now, being constantly rejected by the person you love is absolutely ruinous to your self esteem, as it would be for anyone else; male or female. Even if you don't actually work up the courage to proposition them, just trying all day to build up to something and then making the decision based on their demeanor at the end of the day to abort because you'll definitely get rejected winds up hurting just as bad. That sort of emotional damage is not conducive to being a happy, healthy and well-adjusted human being.

So stop being rejected. Stop fixating on trying to make her want sex again, it's a fool's errand. Instead, focus on fixing yourself and your confidence again. Cease any and all physical affection towards her immediately. It accomplishes nothing but to leave you feeling frustrated and resentful and it makes her feel smothered.

Go to the gym, go to bed early and get lots of sleep. Pick up a hobby or two that you can find enjoyment in. Spend lots of time with your friends, if you don't have any, get some. Focus on success at work. Do something everyday to challenge yourself and make you feel proud of your accomplishments and good about yourself. Don't seek any acknowledgment from her for your achievements, but accept them with grace if offered.

Eliminate any and all feelings of anger or resentment you feel towards her, fake it til you make it if you have to. Prove to yourself and to her that you do not need anything from her to live a happy and fulfilling life. Project an air of confidence and contentment until it becomes reality.

At the same time, while remaining at all times perfectly calm, courteous and respectful towards her no matter what, you need to learn that just as she isn't responsible for your happiness, so too you are not responsible for hers. You don't owe her a damn thing, you need to prioritize your happiness over hers. She wants some companionship, maybe watch a sappy movie or something but you'd rather play video games? Politely decline her and do what you want to do instead. She is showing no regard to fulfilling your relationship needs, you need to show equal disregard to hers.

Once you've got your shit under control and you're back to bringing your A game, give her a passionate kiss when you feel the time is right to show her you still find her desirable, but then cut it short and go on with your day like nothing happened. Leave her wanting more.

If she still doesn't get it after all that, start going out more and more in the evenings, to the bar or whatever floats your boat. Give non-committal and vague answers if she asks when you'll be back, and utterly reject any all suggestions that it's wrong for you to go out and have fun without her or leave her worrying about when/if you're coming back. If she asks you if you're cheating, just shrug your shoulders and say "not yet" then go about your business. If she starts freaking out, let her. It's not your problem, it's hers. If she presses the issue, just give her the brutal, honest truth in a concise manner: Being around someone that you desire but who doesn't desire you back is very painful, it's unrequited love. You don't want to feel that way, so your only option is to limit the amount of time you spend with her, and that you'd prefer to spend that time doing something that makes you happy instead of miserable. Above all: do not show even a hint of anger or resentment at any time, just be matter-of-fact about it like you're explaining a simple fact of life to a child.

Bottom line: stop coddling your LL partners. They are adults and if they want your attention, they know damn well what they need to do to get it. After all, they knew what to do to get it in the first place, and if your relationship does wind up failing, they know exactly what they need to do to get another one. Never forget that.

This advice applies for HL women caught in a dead bedroom as well as men. If kids are involved, make absolutely certain that you do not neglect your duties as a co-parent, they are innocent and do not deserve to be caught in the crossfire.

/r/DeadBedrooms Thread