Alright, this is super duper long, got too free with my ovaries, scroll down if you ain't 'bout that life :1
I know what you mean, I'm a 17 year old girl (often stereotypically portrayed as shallow and emotional), but can relate to the feeling of having to push myself to be more open emotionally. I had to learn that it was easier to just keep my deeper emotions to myself growing up, and I'm just beginning to undo some of that now.
As the youngest child growing up in my house, I was often treated like the outcast and bullied by my siblings with no one to turn to. My brother, the oldest, was the one we all looked up to and as such, held a lot of power in the house. Whenever he'd get mad at me, he'd turn my sister against me and even my own friends (they looked up to him too). I'd be made fun of, excluded, and sometimes even physically hit if I dared to stand up for myself.
I remember days where I'd wake up afraid to go into the kitchen to get food because I'd hear my siblings playing video games with my friends in the living room. I'd venture out, knowing I'd have to stock up on as much food as possible at once to prepare to spend the day locked in my mom's room with the tv. As soon as I'd step out, I'd hear snickers, and whispers, and even loud insults. I'd be called fat for taking food if I even made it that far. Sometimes things would escalate before I could get to the kitchen. Things would be thrown at or near me, angry, I'd yell or throw those things at the wall (never at them), and have to flee as fast as possible to my mom's room with my siblings trying to knock the locked door down. I'd hear them get back at me by destroying my few trophies and possessions left outside the room.
As a single mother with 3 kids, my mom was gone all day working two jobs and was therefore unable to see what was going on. Any time I'd try to reach out to her for help, things would only get worse as she would try to get my siblings' side of the story and then drop the matter unresolved but more strained. I'd be called a snitch for going to my mom for help and treated worse. After a while, my mom grew tired and told me to get over it and that there was nothing she could do. As a kid, I was very outgoing and principled with a backbone. I was the most open with my emotions of all my siblings. I had little problem sharing my happiness and love and adoration with them. If they didn't like it, i didn't care, 'cause I did.
That was slowly filed away and taught me, a formerly warm and vivid child, to become more private with my emotions. It became harder to be vulnerable with them, whether the emotions were good or bad. My family situation didn't improve until about age 13 when my brother was kicked out of the house after an argument with my mom. I'm only recently realizing how it's affected me and how to pick up the pieces.
Today, I'm only about 4 years out, but I'm constantly striving to improve. I want to be more like the old me I barely knew every day. That's why I strive to make it a point to be more open with my positive emotions, no matter how corny or idealistic it may make me feel. Even though I don't often get the "I love you's" or deep emotions back from my still pretty emotionally private family, I strive to make them feel my love. I don't really need their vulnerability to know that there is love there, but I like to give them details on how deep my feelings are. It helps me feel authentic and unafraid again. If I fail at it, I know I at least did what I believe in.
OP, I apologize for the life story. I just wanted to get as close and personal with this as possible because I connect with this feeling a lot. I just think we have to keep pushing ourselves to let those people know, because not enough people do it even though it can make others feel so good and reassured. Congrats on getting away from the drugs and alcohol, as well as becoming increasingly aware of your feelings despite the stigma attached to it as a man. I hope you continue to grow more and more each day and learn to ignore the stigma this world created.
TL;DR: Was "bullied" (if that's the term, idk) at home as a kid, messed up my emotions, became afraid of vulnerability, just climbing out of it, relate a lot to OP. OP is a bad bitch who shouldn't let the world's guidelines for what a man is limit him from trying more and more each day to express his emotions to loved ones. OP, get so close to heart to heart with your loved ones that you end up like SpongeBob and Squidward in that one episode (Google it, I want you that close).