First year of high school(15y) I just realized that I have a crush on my (ex)best friend, who's one of the most homophobic person's I ever met. At that time, I really thought he was a cool person (because we was always walking with the "popular boys", making fun of everyone and thinking that's everything okay about it. We are just stupid asf, now I know). We have fun together, spend a lot of time together. Everything was going ok. At least for me.
By the middle of the year, something doesn't feel right about me. I was thinking too much about him. I was dreaming about him, trying desperately to have his attention. And, apparently, people around started to noticed my "obsession". They called me a lot of things, including gay - which back a that time I really don't appreciate, but today is a fucking COMPLEMENT.
I felt sick. I tried to hide my feelings and, in the process, I did horrible things like dating a really nice girl and crushing her feelings just to prove people around me that I wasn't gay at all. I was so obsessed with the people's approval – specially my "best friend" approval – that I have to hurt someone who was so nice and kind to me (by the way, two years after this story, that girl who I mentioned is today one of my closest friend). In the end, people stopped calling me gay. Actually, my terrible actions with the girl just seems to reconquer the trust and toxic friendship with the boys, what obviously includes my "bestie".
At this point, I try really hard to keep hiding my feelings about my friend and, of course, I failed drastically. One day, I met Caio (my boyfriend today hahaha). He was the new kid in class, starting his studies in my school by the end of the year. His openly gay since the day he rise.
For some reason, I became fascinated by the way he was confident of almost everything. He's definitely not get intimidating by the popular boys group, standing against ours actions and always defending minorities by the way he could. I was confused. Pretending hating him in front of my "friends", of my "bestie", but in private I just wanted to talk to that kid for once and trying to understand the way he sees the world. And... Just happened.
One day, on Instagram, I find his account and started scrolling through. I discovered a lot of terms and things about the LGBT+ community that I definitely not understand. In the very beginning I genuinely think that all of that stuff was bullshit, but I just keep scrolling and scrolling.. and the days was passing out.
When I realized, I started to hear some voice on my head. My conscience. Everything was new, full of colors. My repressed feelings about my "bestie" coming out, my terrible actions with that girl too. Everything was just... different.
The year after everything was messed up. I get confidence and texted to Caio, started to follow a lot of pages about lgbt+ people and pulled away of the boys group. I was getting angry all the time about some attitudes, and getting offended with their actions and words. I became solitary, depressed and, for the very first time, I became the person who's bullied for literally no fucking reason.
My "bestie" didn't move a muscle to help me when I was needing. But, surprising, Caio did. He became me friend (we already was secret virtual friends, but never is the same). A REALLY friend.
Don't know when happened for sure, but at some point I was with Caio and his group helping the people around us (It is surprisingly sad how much depressed lgbt kids u can find in school or on the internet. We just talk with them and support each other. There was even some of the boys of that old toxic group coming out as part of our community, and there was some straight boys supporting things changing gradually.
My "bestie", unfortunately, wasn't one of the support one's. He is openly and proudly homophobic, racist and sexist.
Two years after the boys group split up, because school is over, I identify myself has a bisexual men and trying to do everything I can to help people who is passing by the same shit I did in the past. My parents and family don't know it, I think, but I'm dating Caio for the past one year and half.
By the other side, my old "bestie" is now a Bolsonaro supporter. He is one of that people who hate LGBT+ community for literally no reason. He also don't believe that racism or homophobia exist, saying arrogantly that straight withe-people are the really targets of persecution.
Recently he joined a group of anti-LGBT people and is constantly attacking minorities movements, person's and other things related of our community. That's just... terrible.
Sometimes I feel bad about him. I know it's not my fault, but I really can't understand why is he that toxic. Where I failed with him? I was his friend, even after everything happened. If some of the boys of the old group could change, why can't he?
Caio get angry when I talk about it. He says that is absolutely nothing I could do to change the mind of a person who's like to be a jerk. I don't know.
Ps: I'm a Brazilian, so my English is a work on progress... Sorry if there is a lot of errors.