I crack my knuckles. With labored breath I bend my knees and plop heavily onto my computer chair, a cloud of Cheeto dust rising about me as my lardy ass hangs out of my pants.
I lean in towards my computer screen. I toss aside a damp tissue that was left on my keyboard and start typing... “reddit.com”
The front page opens... the harsh whiteness sears my bloodshot eyes. I squeal in displeasure but begin scrolling down the front page. My tummy grumbles... I look down and pick some moist lint out of my cavernous navel. The bodily crumb does not satisfy my hunger after I eat it.
My lips are dry and cracked, with a shiny gleam of snot lining my moustache region, but I open my mouth wide to yell “MOTHER! Fix me some CHICKUN STRIPSS!” My hanging jowels vibrate under my chin as I bellow ravenously. Saliva showers the PC screen as I return to my web surfing. I quit yelling after I hear the woman upstairs turn on the oven to prepare my tendies. However, the physical exertion of yelling so hungrily caused me to shart my drawers. I sniff the air, but pay it no more mind.
Lo, I inhale sharply as I see an unwelcome image on Reddit: a pro-police post.
I feel a rumbling in my bowels... but not from chicken-hunger. No, no...
I shake Doritos crumbs off of my mouse and prepare to enter a comment. Yellow sweat begins to stain the pits of my white Che Guevera shirt... my heart rate begins to rise as I think about police officers “being human” and “being imperfect and doing the best they can.” Utter FOOLISHNESS. A flawed, bourgeoisie dogma.
I type furiously, possibly 35 WPM+ — as fast as my size 16 fingers will allow. I feel a bulge firming in my pants as I realize the brilliance of my superior intellect. I consider opening a... different... website as I viciously type, but put this desire aside in my pursuit of righting societal wrongs.
After an amount of time, mother brings me my chicken strips. I scream with the unbridled veracity of a cow in childbirth as I notice she forgot my fucking honey mustard. She stumbles up the stairs and then back down with my sauce; I grunt in satisfaction and stop typing to refuel my engorged body for the arduous task that lies before me.
I slam fucking chicken strips in my gaping mouth and gobble them down my gullet like an obese hyena scavenging in the Sahara. After finishing my meal, I let out a vicious belch and wipe my mustardy mouth on my shirt.
I commence my message on the Reddit post:
.....”ACAB.” I type. I post the comment and smirk. I feel the earlier shart dripping down my leg and onto the carpet.
My fingers dance across the keys. Mountain Dew coursing through my veins as I take another full lung hit from my vape.
...'ALL'...
Why didn't they understand? ChapoTrapHouse understands, LateStageCapitalism understands, what could I say to make the rest of this god forsaken website understand the depths of my impotent rage?
...'COPS'...
After all, I had read the first 36 pages of the Communist Manifesto several times now, even highlighting a few choice sentences that particularly struck me as important. The book lay on the top of his desk, gathering dust. I didn't have time for leisurely pursuits such as reading, after all, I was putting in 20 hours a week at the Coffee Spot, and that was on top of all the household chores that his parents required of me.
...'ARE'...
I exhale the vaporous cloud of Tutti Frutti Blast. 'Be the change you wish to see in the world,' I think to myself. If I could just get the sheeple to understand...
...'BASTARDS'...
I smile as my hand left the keyboard to grasp the mouse to submit my manifesto. Repeating other phrases that I have read on his favorite subreddits was, after all, a noble cause! I can hardly contain my excitement, or perhaps it was all of the Mountain Dew making me jittery again, I had a hot pocket for breakfast that might have something to do with shakiness, but I wasn't sure.
I clicked 'save' with a smirk. The 20 character phrase was converted into computer-readable bits and zoomed across the country in milliseconds. I saw my comment hit the website, and I leaned back in my chair, content.
'I've done it, I've changed the world,' I think to myself.
My work is done. My thoughts turn to anime tits and I exit Reddit. I look towards my bed where my waifu pillow gazes back at me. I sigh and smile, slowly rising from my computer chair and waddling towards her.
Sunshine beams in from my basement window onto the stained space on my bed beside her. All is well.