I can't relate :(
My depression stemmed from years of physical, mental, emotional, verbal abuse; along with a form of sexual abuse. Oh yeah, throw in narcissistic parents, and neglect into the mix.
Throw in also being forced to overeat against your will or else, then being told you're a fatass the next minute. If you don't eat that meal, you don't eat that day and I didn't always have money for lunch.
I ended up with a love hate relationship with food. I loved eating good food, the ones my grandma made with love (she didn't abuse me, she was basically the replacement Mom). Because grandma was my only true friend for a long time (besides my brother), I ate everything she made no questions.....yes, I overate by choice with her.
My hatred of food stems from my parents. I developed a food aversion by the time I moved out. I lost weight when with my fiance and then gained weight at home. When I moved out for good, I initially lost weight and then my husband found out that I lost it because I was not eating.
Hubby fed me lots of food on his days off. He was doing it in an attempt to average me out because I regularly went 16 hours to 24 hours with only 600-800 calories to eat. So on his days off I ate like a pig, 3000-5000 calories. Made me yo-yo, between losing X pounds and gaining X pounds.
Wasn't until last fall that I realized what we did for my food intake was basically binge eating. So, I made a promise to my husband. I'll lose ALL the weight from my parents' abuse and the binges through CICO, if he promises not to freak out about starving myself and telling me to eat more.
So far it worked. I do get scolded from time to time because I fall back into "food aversion/too lazy to make anything" mode and undereat. When that happens I have to force myself to eat just to stop my husband from worrying.
*One of my husband's fears is that if he's not there all the time to keep on an eye on my eating habits (likely it'll happenn when he's in the military), I'll fall back into under eating easily.
That's why I'm trying to overcome my "ew, I don't want to eat...." mentality and eat like a normal person through CICO. I went so long with undereating that fasting is super easy for me. When I lived with my parents still, I went on a hunger strike and didn't eat for 56 hours (was trying to die of starvation), my mom had to drag me to the kitchen and made me eat a meal while step-dad watched. I could've continued with the strike, but step-dad was there and he'd definitely shove food in my mouth if I was stubborn. Meh.*
And yes, as soon as I get insurance I will go to therapy -_- My brother dealt with the same thing but his fix was working out for 6 hours a day, or taking any labor intensive job he could, and work 60 hours a week in addition to gym. His way kept his weight in check but he ended up with arthritis, a ruined sense of smell because he hauled barrels of chemicals, and other body issues from burning himself out. He gained weight after he got married and moved out, he didn't get food aversion like I did because he burned it off back then. So when he couldn't work out because of problems with his joints, he gained.
I'm trying to get him into CICO, but he keeps thinking that he should stick with his old 4+ hours at the gym routine and pish poshes my concern that he's going to kill his body even further or worse, do irreparable damage to his body/muscle despite the arthritis. Guy is not even 30 yet and he has to wear a back brace for anything over 40 pounds :(