Every person is different but maybe my own self realization can give you insight.
I was doing a lot of coke, every time the comedown was a panicked self hatred and repetitive suicidal thoughts. Like an extreme self hatred- it felt unbearable. I couldn’t stop- even knowing a horrible come down was inevitable.
I told my therapist I wanted to change my pattern of behavior- to fix myself cuz I was broken and self destructive. He told me to change the pattern I had to focus on on the feeling- not just trying to fix the behavior. I didn’t really get it. They felt the same. It didn’t feel like he was fixing me so I stopped seeing him.
Healthy and happy ppl mentally don’t start casually doing hard drugs, ppl hiding pain do. And How people seem is often very different from what the feel alone in secret. something in me had wanted a vice, a numbing tool, an upper, and got addicted to the high. But also addicted to the low. Normally my self hatred for my inner self isn’t at the forefront of my mind. Body image maybe but that’s because I am constantly seeing that. A lot of my actions I don’t really think too hard about before doing. But during the coke comedown- the self hatred was RIGHT there. Too painful, every time I tried to run from it but couldn’t and then it’s a spiral. But I never though to say ok WHY do I hate myself .
Some things I was ready to see, some I wasn’t. It took a lot of painful comedowns to piece together so much suppressed pain and guilt. But it always felt like a really fucked up way of feeling what I hide all at once what’s crazy, is one day, I was actually ready to look at all I had hidden straight in the face - to see myself, the version of me only I knew, that I thought was “evil”. I became self aware of why I felt the self hatred and it was 100 percent because I hadn’t been dealing with my pain and the huge (not self aware) flaws that pain caused. One of which was lying to everyone about my addiction. (The tip of the iceberg but while I know my flaws I still feel ashamed enough to not write em all out, but an example would be a pattern of taking Full credit for a writing sample that I collaborated on in interviews- a flaw that was a direct result of not believing in my own talents)
The thing that sucks- that is exactly what therapy does, but so much gentler, so much healthier, and not addictive and crazy enough less expensive . (Mine without insurance is 150 a week- coke was 350 a week)
This is LITERALLY self medicating, and Toying with death is too. It’s knowing that no matter how much you can’t control your addiction, you have e control over ending your life. It calmed me to plan mine.
I still struggle with my addiction to coke, cuz now it’s not self medicating - it’s a pattern my body craves. A consequence for doing the fix that was a wolf in sheep’s clothing( I tried to think of a better metaphor sorry )
I went back to my therapist. I know this is easier said than done. But a therapist and self medicating and two ways of coping, one just ACTUALLY helps you learn how to undo your damage.
We all gonna die anyway, why not be less miserable? The misery becomes an addiction too. Addicting to feeling bad. But it’s a pattern I’m on the road to changing.
This is the longest post I’ve written. And the most honest I’ve been about my addiction. A month ago I would have never said it. Hiding and hating yourself is so so painful. And is NOT unfixable.
Feel free to reach out whenever you need.