For the first time my husband (40m) grabbed my (36 f) throat during an argument. This isn't the first time a partner has physically attacked me. Is it my fault?

I think therapy would greatly benefit you. A good therapist specializing in CBT and abuse could better help guide you in establishing boundaries w/o escalating conflict. Therapy would also help you if his abuse starts to increase. One of the biggest things I have learned from therapy is that I cannot control the actions of others, but I do have the ability to contain how their actions affect me.

The moment he stepped through the door sloppy drunk and in complete disregard of how that might appear to the child should have been the moment, as a therapist would suggest, to get another room. Arguing and trying to seek validation from a hostile person in a state of significate inebriation is futile. The only thing that can be done is to try to have a reasoned discussion over your VERY REAL concerns once he sobered up.

Additionally, good therapy will help teach you how to assert yourself in an appropriate manner. This is very important as you will be better able to realize how abusive he is in the manner of which he responds.

I also suggest that you consider sitting in on a domestic abuse support group. Hopefully you'll be able to connect with others, but don't shy away from it due to not feeling like you were abused enough. Abuse doesn't just only show up in its physical form, afterall.

From here on any physical aggresiveness from him here on out, whether it is focused on you or your children, you have to document. If he does or says something designed to get a negative reaction from you, don't bite. If he escalates and refuses to respect your boundaries, CALL THE POLICE and get his behavior on a formal record. Having his abuse on record will help in the event of divorce and child custody hearings. If there are any bruises from his abuse, TAKE PICTURES and keep them away from him. Also, develop a plan against the worst (squirrel some money away each month, get in contact with people sympathetic to your situation, and work on ways to become finacially independent).

Lastly, you don't deserve to be in a relationship where you are in constant fear. He's going through a tough time and feels that is okay to treat you like crap due to your past; it is not right and you don't deserve this. I also wish you well on your cancer treatments.

/r/relationships Thread