Well this will probably be a bit too late but I think it was a process of learning empathy which came in stages.

When I was 16 or so I was at a party and passed out drunk. A girl passed on laying the other direction on the sofa with her hair on my hand. My friend had cats and I thought at first it was one of them. When I realised, after stroking this poor girl’s hair, I tried to wake her up to hang out with me. Nothing sexual or anything like that. When I sobered up I almost threw up thinking about how that encounter could have come across.

For many years, I was pretty innocent and treated women very respectfully. I don’t regret my missed opportunities and actually look back on the missed signals fondly.

When I was at university, I got into my first relationship and it was a bad one. She isolated me from my friends and hated me doing anything and everything she wasn’t involved in. My mental health tanked and I became a cruel bitter person. Very quick to anger when I drank, and I drank a good amount. When that relationship ended, I knew I needed to be a better person and more aware of my relationships.

My time as a single guy was interesting. I had some great experiences and a handful of one night stands. Nothing much to comment on those in this conversation, however, I was good looking, single, charming and I knew it. A terrible combination.

I don’t think I made many women uncomfortable because luckily I’m not physically intimidating andI always went for humour rather than hard flirting, I certainly had times where I misread conversation as flirtation and I when I picked up on it, I always felt bad. I didn’t want to make people uncomfortable, naturally that wasn’t what I wanted.

The biggest thing of all was realising that I’m bisexual and going to gay bars. I never felt comfortable going home with guys because of the judgement of my friends (a lesson about shaming in there) but also the way guys will grab at you and try to force you to do things. I never did anything like that but, my god, how awful that is.

The greatest lesson was staying at a friends house and a gay guy coming into my room as I slept abc trying to pull down my underwear to blow me. I woke up and told him to get out. A full ten minute conversation consisting of “go to bed, I’m not interested” later he finally left. The thing is, I’m a foot taller than him and much stronger, I never felt intimidated. Naturally I thought back to that awkward moment at 16 with even clearer eyes and felt even worse than before.

This was all before I was 22. I’ve been in a great relationship with a wonderful woman for several years and never had a moment of creepiness surrounding sex or her past and I’m proud of the person I’ve become.

I think being a young man is hard and society has moved on a massive amount since me too. I cringe at how toxic the culture I grew up in was. I wanted love and affection but was unable to properly communicate those feelings for a long time. I don’t think I am but it’s a terrible fear of mine that any woman remembers me as a arrogant creep, I’ve been assured by my girlfriend that every woman has far more concerning stories that they’re much more likely to focus on, but there we go.

I hope things are better for young men going forward. That we talk more about mental health and sexuality. That women aren’t presented as some sort of key holder to sex. It’s worse for women, of course, but it’s a long and harsh learning curb that has a lot to do with unlearning what society teaches us is normal or even admirable.