For the ones who requested the divorce, if it was uncontested, how generous were you?

I am divorcing a spouse who emotionally abused me for years and has made less than half than I do for years. Uncontested divorce. She not only broke my heart but saddled me with trauma I will be in months if not years of therapy to recover from. A little part of me hoped she'd offer to take less than half of, say, my retirement (she has none), to loosely make up for all the bullshit, but nope.

And you know what? When I married her, I knew I was in a community property state. I have made peace with my decisions, my past love, and the law. I literally wish the woman who hurt me more than anyone else ever has, all the best, including with the financial assets I built that are legally hers. Our uncontested divorce has remained uncontested. There's been no monkey business because I, the more financially and emotionally stable spouse, did not try to screw her over. I am, remarkably, grateful for my abusive ex behaving at this point. NC other than divorce logistics via email has also helped.

Divorce is not about fairness to the individual—it's about fairness to the marriage. In marriage you give up certain rights as an individual for the sake of the union. Plenty of stories on here about people whose stay at home spouses cheated on them and ended up getting hefty alimony.

I recommend you fixate less on what is ugly, or uncivil, and instead presume you will divide all assets and debts 50/50 in an uncontested divorce, according to the law rather than your personal opinion of fairness. Cross your fingers your stbx will give you a break on the spousal support, as mine did.

Next time, if you want to keep more than 50% of what you personally earned, just don't get married.

/r/Divorce Thread