TW TW TW
I woke up in the morning with a guy I'd been dating. I immediately felt really embarrassed and confused because I couldn't remember almost anything about the night before. I remembered us going to the liquor store and the pizza shop. I remember I bought one bottle of hard iced tea and I ate a slice of pizza while drinking it at his friend's house. Don't remember finishing it. Remember being on the kitchen floor at his friend's house and my arms were weak and someone was pulling me up. That's it.
It was broad daylight when I woke up. He laughed when he saw me. He said I did a number on him and showed me his back; it was covered in scratch marks and welts. Did I make those? I'd never done that. I am not into that. I felt sick. I had no idea what happened. That was when I remembered being on the kitchen floor with my underpants showing and trying to pull my jeans up again and again with my shit rubbery arms. I remembered his friend helping me up.
When I was sat on the bed at 1 pm remembering that I felt more embarrassed, didn't want to talk about it. I tried to find my phone. I wanted to go home. It wasn't there. My purse was at his friend's house. He drove me over and made me go ring the doorbell and ask for it. My head was pounding and I was humiliated, in the previous night's clothes.
I still have no idea what actually happened. Maybe some of that was imaginary, and I am sure I misremember details I didn't write out, but I remembered all the basic facts I just wrote within 24 hours and I still remember it vividly whether I'm awake or dreaming. It took about 2 years of feeling embarrassed before I felt even a little angry at him that all this happened (the exposure AT LEAST in front of his friend, the sex he admitted to, which was evidenced by my soreness and bleeding in both my anus and vagina and the scratches on his back while he was still apparently fine to drive us home but didn't bother to grab my purse and couldn't be arsed to go to his friend's door and collect it for me, the teasing about how "nasty" I had been when completely blacked out, the fact that I brought one drink and can't even remember finishing it... what gives?).
This happened in 2011 I think and it was 2-3 years ago that I was like "oh shit I think that might have been rape" but I still kind of want to punch myself in the face when I think of that word. I was dating him intentionally, I went there intentionally, I had a drink intentionally. It's just all the rest where I lose the plot.