Hi,

First of all, long and probably only mildly cohesive post. I wanted to give you the what, how, and why.

My wife is a covert narc. Reading this as I write it even sounds pathetic. But lying would be pointless and you asked how we (I) cope. This isn’t how things started, but it’s how they are now. When you’re losing your freedoms (and mind at times) it’s a slow descent. Going to steal a quick definition- insidious. Specifically, of a disease : developing so gradually as to be well established before becoming apparent.

This is the main how- adjust expectations to where they should be, knowing that she/he is a narcissist. try to find ways to work on common goals. My narc is only a human being when I’m directly benefitting her. How can you benefit yourself at the same time? This has allowed some peace as well.

If I go into a conversation with the expectation that I will be respected as an equal, I will be hurt, sad, and mad.

If I work really hard at something, specifically for her, and expect for the goal posts to be where I saw them last, I will be disappointed. Had to adjust for that.

If I expect there to be “rules” without double standards, I will be shocked and confused. I have to always expect the “rules” for me, exceptions for her.

If I expect there to be peace, and not to fight over every single thing out of place, I will be frustrated and exhausted. I can and will let 100 things go that annoy me: everything from intentional , attention-drawing public disrespect, verbal low blows for the intent to harm or shame, to the everyday things like doing no chores myself but she is still somehow angry at me for doing them not up to her standards. I will let all that go(the fights have been fought, the gas lighting, etc.) , but if I expect her not to blow her top over finding a pair of shorts in the wrong drawer? I will be blindsided.

If you’re waiting for the point of this post where you hope I’m going to say something positive, I’m afraid it’s not here. If you’re making this post trying to justify staying- know that it will get better. As you learn to navigate their web. It will get better; It will not get “good”. You will not be happy, satisfied, whole, validated, cared for, or even loved. All of this is conditional; contingent to the narcissist on one cruel thing: are you currently - not in the past, currently- doing something that directly benefits them in a way THEY see as valuable. There are people out there like you. People who do not see your value based solely on what you bring them.

I could write on this post for probably another hundred fold what I’ve already written. If you’re writing this post to justify staying, please, I’ve never met you and never will. You’ve likely either given up on this long post or skimmed it. Run, if you can. I myself would, but we’ve a son together. I refuse to let her cause him to suffer. Or turn him into a monster like herself. I would much rather stay and suffer on his behalf. I cannot stand to see him in pain, to break this chain of abuse.

This is probably, and very sadly, the bright point? What helps me, besides adjusting my expectations to abysmal, pathetic levels- realizing that this is a coping mechanism. Her mom is the exact same, and torments her so. She out-narcissists the narcissist in my life. Pulls the exact same cards from the exact same deck, and plays the exact same games with her heart. She doesn’t wake up and decide- “know what I’ll do today? Be an absolute monster”.

Get out if you can. I feel like I’ve made this long enough, but if you have anything more specific than your main post, let me know and I’ll talk on it as long as I have something constructive to say.