Forever scared I'll be cheated on

I have been with my fella for 10 straight years, we met when we were both 19 and working in different departments of chain grocery. He is pretty square in comparison to me; his vice being WOW and boys nights consisting of D&D w/ his brothers BYOPizza, where as when asked my drug of choice from 15-27 I thought it was hilarious but also accurate to say, "I don't believe in discrimination". We have had our fair share of trial and I'm sure many people from the outside looking in don't appreciate the nature of our relationship but IMO I believe I have found a partner who is also my best friend who I can be completely honest with but who I also am very mindful of that honesty with in a way I don't always feel as conscientious about with everyone. Most people though I lash or dont bother. I have developed something else with him. When I have these jealous paranoid fears most the time I can sort them on my own bc there realistic time for a double life, I can reason, this mistress in my kind woukd either have to know and hate me personally or they must be JUST falling into it... But I believe a bit that its dangerous to put things like that in the universe... Like driving around thinking you're going to get pulled over--seems like a mental magnet that attracts cops right to your car... I will purge a paranoid thought almost just to gauge his reaction and when he glosses it I'll jokingly, laugh "oh look at him chabge the subject," and he will usually either playfully, kindly, or annoyingly give me a "no im just not even acknowleding that dumb comment" and ill let it go bc at the end of the day if he is betraying me I'll find out. Why spoil this nice moment over what may be all in my head, like so many previous crisis on and off the topic of him? Also if down the road I find this to be the case, that he is in love with someone beside me--it'll hurt but maybe I wouldn't want that version of him; or maybe it would be more complicated than that. Love isn't just about the history of your genitals. When I was hospitalized for 3 months, an hour drive fron where we live, in winter, in Alaska, he came to see me nearly everyday and called multiple times a day, sometimes staying on the phone for hours to music requests off youtube through the speaker for me. I'll always be thankful for this love even if its not meant to last.

/r/BPD Thread